Snippets of The Quaint One

Who Knew

2010-07-27T11:59:00.001+09:30

Who knew time would past by so fast?

That decisions I thought are far away as possible are in my face, angry and demanding? Who knew that growing up would be such a painful thing to face, the decisions, the tears, the rejection, the demands? Who knew paperwork, time frame, deadlines would be your nemesis in this grown up game of jumping head long into an industry with but your naive thinking and "knowledge" you thought suffices under your belt? Who knew that after all that slogging, sometimes, you are just NOT good enough to make the cut? Who knew that feeling of coming second holds out even after feeling it when you're ten years old, shuffling in your school shoes, heart beating a few beats too fast and your face burning as you smile, hoping, wishing that the first place is yours? Who knew that time changes everything, literally. That things you knew just only shy off two years ago would be so different, so unexpected and somehow at times, in the quiet of the night, or when you're plugged into your I-pod listening to tunes on a bus or walking on the street to catch a bus or when you're doing chores listening to songs playing that all of this seem to bother you relentlessly. And you wonder how it could have turn out the way it did.

Who knew positivity only gets you so far? That positivity wanes as you receive blow after blow of rejection, of disapproval, of walking into walls of uncooperative replies.

Questions. Questions.

And yes, I'd be positive still. Because I believe in Philippians 4:13.

Happy World Milk Day!

2010-06-01T12:55:00.000+09:30

1st of June 2010.

It's World Milk Day today. (:

And guess what, I'm kicking myself in the tootsie to get up and going to update more often. Gone were the days would I rush home to update my blog, to type something to share about my day. Gone were the days would I sit there meticulously editing the post over and over again prior to posting, thanks to myself being OCD. If I were to blame someone, I'd blame FACEBOOK. It takes up hours on end of my time! (Any of my spare time to be exact) Then again, it's really my fault, hahaha.

Anyways, as I was saying. Since I last updated, there was but more than an arm length's of things that happened. I'd say it's been quite a year, 2009. From having a heartbreak, to letting go. From having a dear person touched and change my life to the extend that I'm feeling contented, satisfied, blessed. Learning and gaining experiences as a Nurse, a person and as a daughter. Learning to do things for myself. I moved to a place that I didn't like, went for my Aged Care Placement in Cummins which enriched me entirely, etc. 2009, a year filled with joy, tears, arguments, lessons learnt, experiences.

The beginning of 2010 was uneventful, I went to work for the long weekends including Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve and New Years Day. It felt different that year, reigning in the new year after knocking off at work at 2300. There was a point when I felt really alright being alone those night, until I called home and Desmond. Guess family is and always will be the biggest part in my life (: When Desmond got back, it was nice to have him back. Sometimes, I guess I do take him for-granted. Then, it was more of a whirlwind of kicking back to going to class knowing that I'd finish soon. My family came over for a visit for a month and it was great to have them back albeit surreal at times. I guess absence not only makes the heart fonder, it makes us all stronger and strengthen ties. It was great to see Desmond and my family hitting off. I did my Acute Care Placement at the Repatriation Hospital, it was a good experience, enriching really. I made new friends and I can't be happier. Moving to the surprising side of town, LOL! And felt the pressures of having have to do things entirely (with the help of Des) calling up providers etc. Moving itself was stressful and there was of course, that little incident with !@#$% ex-landlord, ah wells.

For now, I guess is finishing up my Diploma and get ENROLLED! Seriously, enough is enough, I just want to get it over and done with then gear up for a job hunt and hopefully get replies on the job hunt. Tying up loose ends of this chapter of my life and wonder what's next (:

A short update I hope that appeases, Sarah C! (Thanks, you make me want to update!)

(: A Lousy Attempt At Posting

2010-04-18T21:50:00.001+09:30

The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?

Copy this into your NOTES. Look at the list and put an 'x' after those you have read. Tag 14 other "Book Nerds", plus me so I can see what you read! Sometimes you have to cut and paste this in parts.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen X
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien X
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte X
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling X
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee X
6 The Bible X
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte X
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens X

Total: 8

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott X
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien X
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger X
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

Total: 3

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll X
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame X

Total: 2

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens X
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis X
34 Emma - Jane Austen X
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis X
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hossei X
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis D Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden X
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

Total: 6

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell X
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown X
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery X
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

Total: 3

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel X
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Total: 1

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold X
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding X
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

Total: 2

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens X
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett X
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno – Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

Total: 2

80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens X
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White X
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom X
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle X
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton X

Total: 5

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl X
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Total: 1
======

33

Hah, BBC, you're wrong!

Nothing Beats

2010-02-07T02:07:00.000+10:30

Nothing beats spring cleaning. Literally. Even spring cleaning virtual spaces such as this. (:

Salvaging and be prepared for more posts.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUDREY ANG!

2009-12-07T23:57:00.000+10:30

The title itself speaks for itself.

BLESSED 21st Birthday, Dearest. YOU'RE SO MISSED!

Many happy returns. (And yes, this post is all yours. I will update it furthur!)

Definitely

2009-09-27T22:07:00.000+09:30

I am definitely.. around, alive and yes, up and going.

Will post more soon! (Audrey, I will update!)

Changed the template, something new (doubt it will satisfy me for the next few months). Picket fences and polarids on a line, quaint and simple. Yet another thing to cross of my to-do-list!

Much love! (:

P.s Off to bubbles, dreamy body wash and GRR-irritating-make-me-swear-itch-inducing-hot water!

When Little Clockworks Spin

2009-07-29T21:30:00.002+09:30

Yes.

They spin. They creak. They groan, but yes, they do spin, with reluctance and before you can blink, they just go on and you just can't keep up.

No, I did not get a new clock.

It is just my mind. It has been spinning alot of the late.

I always thought that a sufficient dose of stress is healthy. And perhaps, I have been justifying the long hours I picked for work, the amount of work I force myself to do, household chores I find myself to do, as necessary, vital, essential to get past the day.

Albeit so, I find myself slowing down even when I am walking down the street, running to catch my bus to work or to classes or to get home. I am not making sense, am I? Slowing down not in my stride, but in my mind.. I find myself on the bus thinking endless questions. Endless possibilities. In short, thinking about endless "what ifs". I yearn to zero into the blur vision in my mind's eye of the ever-changing future. To find the answers, to give myself a stable platform I can stand as I pluck up the courage to take a plunge down head long into unknown territories.

Sometimes, I wish I just did not know the mechanisms of things. How it works. How it will react if it were to be tested. How it will end.. Perhaps, sometimes, I just need the clockworks to just.. stop. To freeze. To let time still.

And, perhaps, just perhaps, I would emerge at peace to say "Come what may.. "

So Far

2009-03-01T11:43:00.006+10:30

So far, I'm surviving. Let not my silence fool you.

Let's do this in bullet form. Just because my memory is faulty. No, my life is THAT mundane. So it can be summed up using bullet forms.

I'm studying. Doing assignments. Yes, full-time nursing.

Spent Valentine's Day with a friend.

Doing breakfast kitchen duty everyday.
Work. Work. Work. (You get my drift)
Lost my purse. (Got stolen, few weeks back.)

Took stupid photos. (That's one from the many taken)
Spending most of my time in my room, reading, with music, talking to Dumber & Dumbest, on the phone with mume and him, doing assignments, think. (You know)
Facebook-ing.
Falling asleep when talking to both of the aforementioned. Yes, incoherent.
Contemplating on things.
Thinking
Taking the buses that are so unreliable sometimes.
Met Lalita, she's nice.
Calling a few back home.

That's pretty much how it is. I'd have a better one, soon. Just so you are updated, Audrey. (: I miss you..

The Results

2009-01-27T22:37:00.005+10:30

... of being homesick and putting on Bloo on self timer mode. The three above are among the selected few that I decided to post up, yes, I took quite a few, especially that of me and that silly "Happy Chinese New Year 2009, love teddy" sign. >< Well, just so you know, we had a "better" than usual dinner (which really isn't much difference really) on New Years Eve, and yea, that's pretty much it, and as extravagant as it gets. I spent my first day of Chinese New Year, doing breakfast and dinner kitchen duty, so that's just how it was.

Anyways, a picture just to let my loved ones know, that I'm fine, I'll be fine and to rest assured that I'm doing alright. (don't mind the lousy background, didn't realize until I uploaded it from Bloo too Gerard) Yes, I actually bothered to put on my red cheongsam top just to get myself in the mood. It's was Australia Day, on Chinese New Year though.

Happy Lunar New Year 2009 all =] Much love.

P.s Teddy misses home, still.

All I Need Is You

2009-01-26T14:56:00.004+10:30

Sitting here, staring at this screen, thinking. Tired. Just tired of everything. Yearning to not have to shoulder responsibilities. Yearning not to have emotions so that everything does not get to oneself. Yearning to be home, all this one thinking how one has taking things for-granted. Yearning to be at the many "omg-let-me-go-home" dinners. Work is the escape, studies yet another to bury myself. Materialism, how it overtakes my purposes. How it really takes me by the hand and it's all that drives me. Time, funny how it slows and speeds up like it's nobody's business. Learning, yet never seem to learn. Yearning to run, puts foot in front of the other only to trip and fall. The effing irony of it.

The many times one thinks of the choices and decisions made. The road taken. The many "what ifs" asked. Would it have really been better? Would it be different? Would I have been happier? Is it for the better? Is it just for now, these emotions, these times?

Yet another rambling that goes nowhere and leaves me frustrated.

Carry me, because I know all I need is You.

And She Shall Not Go AWOL

2009-01-25T21:24:00.003+10:30

Back.

Been work swapped. Juggling kitchen duty, Woolridges, time on the phone with loved ones. Been taxed physically, emotionally and yes, financially. The bloody internet has been down and hence the absence. Managed to get it working, so will be updating more.

Chinese New Year Eve.

Not home. Faraway. Disconnected. Lost. Confined.

Bloody friggin homesick. Freaking frustrated.

HOMESICK. (Whiny? Just for this post.)

Judge Then

2008-10-30T22:58:00.003+10:30

Judge me.

Sit higher.

Bear that trident of yours. It seems like a pitchfork.

I see you, High and Mighty.

I won't bow down. I won't look.

No, wait. I should be decapitated for doing so. Forgive me. I believe my pleas fall on ears that don't understand the word - compassion and pity.

I had enough.

I won't bleed. I won't tear.

I am smiling. So there.

Tear me down.

Bring me down.

I won't be your puppet. I'd stand. Loathe me. Hate me. I'd bless you. No, not being cynical. Nor sarcastic. I am being earnest. Honest. Something that might be so foreign to those like you, and I'm sorry you can't understand that.

Just That Little Desperate.

2008-10-29T23:59:00.004+10:30

Don't go, I'm a homesick child
Just stay and talk to me
Even if it's just for a while
Oh, I'm afraid of the dark
But You are the light
Stay by my side
Lord, without You ...

I get a little desperate
Reaching out for Your love
I get a little desperate
To feel Your touch from above
I get desperate
As far away just won't do
I'm hopelessly, honestly, constantly
Desperate for You

Oh, Lord, when You hung on that tree
You showed once and for all
That You were desperate for me
And I know You'll be coming back soon
I hope time will fly, I'll survive
But in the meantime ...

I get a little desperate
Reaching out for Your love
I get a little desperate
To feel Your touch from above
I get desperate
As Far away just won't do
I'm hopelessly, honestly, constantly
Desperate for You

Don't know what I did before You
Never really lived before You
And I want You to know that ...

I get a little desperate
Reaching our for Your love
I get a little desperate
To feel Your touch from above
I get desperate
Far away just won't do
I'm hopelessly, honestly, constantly
Desperate for You

I need You more in my life
I am hopelessly, honestly, constantly
Desperate for You

*****

Missing home.. More than ever. Missing loved ones. Period. Permit me a few minutes to say this - I want to go home. There. Said it.

That'll suffice. For now.

One Month

2008-10-15T20:06:00.004+10:30

30 days.

Wow. 30 days. Time streaked past.

In this period of time, short as it is, how much have I achieved? Looking back, it seems so long ago that I turn my back and pulled my luggage and walked that stretch of "road" to get to my departure gate, Gate 9, bawling my way there. Meeting nice people along the way, the Singaporean actors at KIA, the nice China ground assistant staff at SIA. The nice Australian next to me on the 7 hour flight.

What have I achieved?

Carried a koala. Fed kangaroos, wallabies. Saw wombats, penguins (in such a dry state), Kookabaru, Albino Peacock, Panther. Petted a baby goat, a doe, kangaroo with the joey in the pouch. Tried Ash Goat Cheese, Cream cheese, Goat milk cheese, Real cheddar (Adventurous of me eh?). Have freshly made dark chocolate melt in the mouth. Saw Adelaide at the highest point, at Mount Lofty. Strolled down the quaint rows of shops in Handorf. Took the wrong bus after being to Ikea, went to Glenelg due to that wrong bus. Had strong cold dry winds blown in my face. Shivered when the sweater was not thick enough. Walked the corridors of the University of Adelaide. Visited the Spencer Wing. Walked the State's Library and Post Office.

Research on equipments for the aged. Learned Referencing. Learned to make unoccupied and occupied beds. Clean dentures and another classmates' teeth. Had my own teeth brushed by another person. Shown how to manuover a person correctly. Taught Manual Handling. Used a lifter. Learned CPR. Learned Senior first aid. Finishing assignments before the dateline. Got used to the various accents of lecturers and classmates. Waking up for classes. Honing non-existent writing skills. Learned how to shower a person, dress them. Learned to aid them with their ADLs.

Decorated my rooms. Resorting to handwash after awhile. Took buses (Something avoided at all cost back home! Oh, the irony!) Bought things using another currency (Had to steel myself from coverting back to ringgits. Got used to the times the shops are opened (Till 1600 everyday except Friday that is till 2100. For someone who have shopping malls opened till midnight back home, and have places like Xiang Xiang, I'm so NOT used to it!) Learning how to scrimp more than ever, more than back home) Learned a NEW language! (Still in progress!) Stood on my feet for nearly 8 hours at my Orientation to my work site. Had the worse first experience at a Residential Home. Had an uplifting, rejuvenating visit to a Senior Day Center in a scenic place a tad far from the city. Learned the "tricks" (better ways, no shortcuts, mind you) of the trade while at work site Orientation. Learned how to empathize correctly, healthily.

Eating meals. (Yea, very significant for me! Three meals) Got sick on the first week. Had excruxiatiing cramps (yet again). Attending mass at another church other than St.Joseph's or St.Peter's. Had blistered foot from work, walking. Spotted wild koalas and A KANGAROO at Morialta Reservoir Park right across the road of my school yesterday when John, my English lecturer decided we take a walk there. Went to the First falls.

4 paragraphs and I'm still not done. Memories are gushing at me, filling up my head. The list goes on and on.

I'm still awestruck at how much I've learned, how much I've achieved. Learned alot about people, about different cultures, about relationships, about languages, about my career. And most definitely, about myself.

Inevitably, I miss home, so much. My mummy, my daddy, that not so little brother. My grandparents. My mamak, my papak. My COUSINS! My close friends. I miss my nephew, Dylan!! I miss them so much it literally aches physically (I kid you not) I'd admit and say that the first two weeks back, especially the nights were the hardest. I even miss the food so much. Craved so much for my favorite mini foochow burgers, popiah, kway teow, fish and alot more. I miss the places I go at times, I realize I've taken forgranted the simplest things back home like having my own bathroom. Texting whenever I want back home, call when I want. Now, phone calls, MSN, emails, and texts are what that keep me sane. Lord knows how I can stand not having have to hear my parents, my nephew.. and a few close friends! I can't bear really.

Sighs.

South Australia, Adelaide. I've come to like it. I anticipate what the future, what tomorrow may brings for me. I can't say that I'm the same girl who packed her bags and left that little town a month back, I wouldn't say so. I believe, I'm different now? In a few aspects perhaps.

I still am lost, I'm still searching.

A New Chapter

2008-10-10T21:59:00.004+10:30

A new chapter.

A new entry.

Turn the page, won't you? I believe, it is now, pages, not just a page.

Counting today, shy of five days, I’d be here in the driest state of the driest continent of the world for nearly a month. Yes, time has once streaked past me, as always. The days have been days of lessons, new experiences and self searching. Arriving here on a blustery Monday morning and met with a 12ºC weather and strong winds that literally blew me off balance after nearly 7 hours of flight was, well, unexpected, very unexpected if I’d say so myself. Seeing Flinders Range while thousands of feet above the ground was relief. I was actually glad knowing that I’d land not long. Before the flight, during the flight, met a few people, even actors. (Another story for another day, I believe. Hehe) The flight was emotional draining. I cried like some blubbering fool from the departure gate in KIA until I was well above the night skies. It was hard. Leaving home, leaving things behind. Funny, now when I think back on it, I find myself aching so much yet glad that I’m doing my best to look forward now. When I reached here, I went to my room, (fondly referred to know as my abode, for me the hermit) with Gerard in a backpack, two luggage and two boxes on my floor of my room strewn, it was just overwhelming. I had to sit down on the floor and take a few deep breaths, yes, I was that distraught. Now, it’s a place where I come back to and yea, practically spend most of my time in.

Days past, got used to the UNPREDICTABLE weather, the people, the mealtimes, the meals (yes, I eat and I’m missing food back home! Sighs.), lessons, sleeping times (still can’t sleep as much as I like), the place, the culture, using the currency (I do covert, rule number one, never covert all the time, else you’d be spending time counting more in your head than actually buying anything). Orientation was very educational and helpful, learned a lot of things of this place that I’ve come to like, the somewhat laidback feeling I find comfortable. I learned how to do A LOT of things I won’t be bothered to do back home, for example, BANKING (those that know me know how I can’t stand the whole hassle, but alas, I have to do it here myself, lessons, lessons, inevitable) and TAKING THE BUS! (Still not very used to the system, but hey, I’m getting there, give me time, I’ve been here for less than a month, cut me slack!) Those two are but a few things I’ve come to do myself.

Friends, yes, I’ve found a few. Quite a few I’d say. My batch, C9 is but a batch so varied in age, religion, race, culture. How so one asks? Well, we come from four different countries - China, Malaysia, The Philippines and Poland. A quick run through, Susie and Jackie are from China. Jovylyn, Romar, Laarni, Johnry, Michelle (the last three are cousins) are from the Philippines. Aga (her real name is really hard to spell and pronounce, so Aga it is) is from Poland. Last but not least, us, Malaysians, we are all Sarawakians (Yay! The Land of the Hornbills!) just that we’re all from different towns. Jeffrey is from Sibu. Suneeta is from Miri. Yieng Hung and Allan are from Sarikei. Joyce, Marilyn and I are from Kuching! And that’s just about our nationalities. (Perhaps I’d have another post just to describe them?)

Classes. What can I say? I’ve learned so much, and yes, it is not what I thought it’d be. I learned a lot about myself, my capabilities as well, and I love my classes so far. Classes are from 0900 to 1630 from Monday to Friday (except Tuesday which is until 1830, for English Class) Practical as well, I enjoy them. Tiring, but I’m amazed at how I find myself actually eager to learn. I’ve been to a few Nursing homes already, Parklyn, Aldgate Senior Day Center and today, Ananda.

So much learned in such a short span of time, that it’s mind boggling. Emotions, abundant if I’d say so myself.

A lot of things, if I were to really give a blow by blow account, that would just be too tedious for me and to be read, no?

More soon.

Teddy misses home..

A Soft Goodbye

2008-09-14T03:28:00.003+09:30

When the light begins to fade,

And shadows fall across the sea.

One bright star in the evening sky,

Your love’s light leads me on my way.

There’s a dream that will not sleep,

A burning hope that will not die,

So, I must go now, with the wind,

And leave you waiting on the tide.

Time to fly, time to touch the sky,

One voice alone, a haunting cry.

One song, one star burning bright,

May it carry me through darkest night.

Rain comes over the gray hills,

And on the air, a soft goodbye,

Hear the song that I sing to you,

When the time has come to fly,

When I leave and take the wind,

And find the land that faith will bring,

The brightest start in the evening sky,

Is yours to find for me..

(Celtic Women - The Soft Goodbye)

*****

I never did like the word goodbye. I feel that it seems so final. Farewell is alright. Zai Jian - means See you again in Mandarin works better. Hui Tou Jian works too, means, when I turn back and look, you'd be there. I never thought it would hurt so bad to know that I'm leaving. Yes, I do know it would. But the intensity it hits me with in the guts, I never anticipated. It has yet to really sink in, perhaps in the next few hours it would? Or when I'm thousands of feet above ground, flying past oceans that will separate me from this place I call home, perhaps then, it will be realized. When Brain left, when I called from school, I didn't say the word, I just said - I'll see you soon. And it felt better. When he left, I didn't say the word either, those years ago, I never did. And it's hard. I know I said, I'll see you, as well. I guess it takes awhile. Perhaps that's my way of being in denial.

Everything feels surreal. I don't know why it is getting so hard to turn my back and leave. It's not like I'm literally turning my back on those I love, just to leave for the time being and start this new chapter. But why do I feel, not keen? Not even excited that I'm leaving? I don't know. It feels like someone is wrenching at me this chunk off me, I kid you not. No. I take that back. It's this really painful ache that throbs and only ebbs after a long while. I am trying. No, struggling. Honestly, I am not really ready, emotionally. Physically, perhaps?

I dare not say I won't shed tears. I know I would. I dare not say it doesn't hurt. It does. But His Will, not mine. I will do what's plan. Stand firm and hold Jeremiah 29:11-12 close. And also, of those I love, I worry, yes. But I know.. everything, everyone will be cared for by Him. I just.. know I'd miss .. alot of things.

For now, let me.. whisper a soft goodbye, and say I'm alright..

Serenade Me

2008-09-12T02:23:00.002+09:30

Celtic Women.

Celtic Women have been on replay for the whole few hours. Rain, you've just make me choke. I don't know why. The past, stop haunting me. I can't stand you. Leave me be. I want to see you, my future. You've never seem so bleak. Okay. Let's shove me a sign that say MCB, You're EMO. Then, take a photo of me in a supposed emo pose. Happy? Sighs. That was uncalled for. Even in a post, I'm so bloody rude. Ah wells. Don't tell me it's alright, I apologise.

*clicks replay button of sing. erases the above.*

It's still raining. Come, soothe me as you always have. I need you more than ever, rain. Assure me. You've promised. May it be. It gets hard I guess once the hours slip past you. One tries very hard. She puts on her sunny deposition and wear it like a cloak. She smiles until it sticks, bright, glaring and fake. Plastic.

I'm trying to prep myself. Updatest later on the day, or tomorrow, the latest. Promise. Mundanity, I need that.

Come, serenade me, you who promises me Everlasting Rest. Thank you for Celtic Women. Sounds weird, but they've been uplifting. Carry me tonight. Soothe my sleep. I can't stand the dreams. Only You know how I feel..

-The post goes around and around. Like this person who types this, unravels-

Just Another Day

2008-09-05T23:46:00.002+09:30

That brings me closer to that day..
(I don't count. I am reminded daily though and that hurts, literally. I kid you not.)

Where I learned what being an "adult" includes. The responsibilities.

Where I learned that it hurts to be told at the last minute about certain things.

Where I learned how much I am going to miss the little things here.

Where I learned that I can be who I am once I find her.

Where I learned that my past hurts me more than I want to admit.

Where I learned that I get affected by the smallest thing like a kitten jumping in front of me or a little child smiling from the next table gives me the warm feeling within that reassures that life, indeed is beautiful.

Where I learned how much I want to be listened to..

Where I spent just that another day with those I love as much as I can, to the fullest.

Where just a call from someone makes me smile and forget the ache.

Where I just want to turn back time so much.

Gastric. Headache.

Gerard needs his rest. I'd leave this be for now..

Cock That Gun

2008-09-02T02:33:00.010+09:30

Cock that gun.

Hear the click.

Give me strength that I say I don't need.

Clear my thoughts.

I need to breathe.

Give me peace when I go weak.

I don't need to understand.

Just teach me to be meek.

Give me the patience that I just need.

************************

Jovina was here, troubled and chugging away fast on the express train of her thoughts. She needs a little breather from all of this. Perhaps, it's the cramps that is murderous or the constant headache that plagues her day or the gastric that seems so normal to have. Perhaps blaming it on her anatomy shrugs off the niggling thoughts in her head and makes this emotional roller coaster sound more rational than it is. She just needs stoicism and just that little ounce more of faith. And perhaps, just more sleep. She is playing that song "Hungry" over and over again. "You Were There" comes second on her most played list. She wants a kitten.. Daddy's fishes in the aquarium are so placid that sometimes, she wishes she were a fish.. She needs not the bloody nic fixes, but she just wants so. Her blades are so cold, they seem to caress her so. She wants her Lindt chocolates, but alas, it has long been consumed by someone she calls little brother. Time, you sprint right past, she grasped so hard and try to catch you, but you,sly bugger, slipped her once more. She needs to understand herself perhaps and learn that sometimes, it's all about faith. Ah, fuck you thoughts. She resents her cussing, but there she goes again. And that reminds her of The Cranberries song. She rambles on and starts to tsk. Perhaps it's best, she tucks Gerard in. Too early in the morning, sleep where are you? She needs that little calm just a little bit more than she thinks. Perhaps a little wine would do the trick. Does she need it? Maybe so. Thinking cap, she says she wants to take you off and tuck you away, and perhaps put you back on another day. Say, maybe on that 7 hour flight across the sea. You are getting frayed, thinking cap. Best you're taken off and not worn. It's time you're put away. No more thoughts, she says. Sleep, she misses you so. Grandma, she needs your away-with-you-worries twirls and that comforting Teochew accented murmurs. Daddy above, she needs Your Perfect Strength, she needs You to be her refuge.. Mushu, she needs you silly laughs and thanks you so from the bottom of her heart for being there. Brain, she needs your rants and misses your yells, your simple thoughtfulness, your deep voice and that laugh. Dearest Pooky carer, she needs you to be alright and aches to know you haven't been well of the late. Baby, she needs your honesty and knows you're asleep as of now, she appreciates all the understanding you've given..

Sometimes, it's best one stays silent .. and listen, to others at times, to oneself. And perhaps, that one clear voice within speaks of the truth. No sugar coated lies, no fabricated truths. Just, the simple, well known truth.. that has always been there.

So Much To Say

2008-08-23T15:49:00.007+09:30

Indeed.

Too much to say.

Days have been mundane. Not much to highlight. Buying stationary. Buying working flats. Sleeping in the early morning and waking up not satisfied with sleep. Dreams that are draining me. Going to my aunt's place to spend time with my cousin and my aunt did facial for me, relaxing. Failing ridiculously at my craft project. Spending time with those I care for. Watching The Mummy Three with Jude and him, hahaha, ridiculous. Had my cold feet lovingly massaged. Having too much coke at night. (Yea, Jude, best you ignore my wants for having Pepsi) Rants at my dining table with Jude. Missing Sheryl. Watching movies at night with Gerard when sleep didn't come. Getting those mini foochow burgers I crave and love so much. Sent my granduncle off at the airport with my family and my little man. Which was hilarious because my little man wanted to follow my granduncle to the departure gate. Carried him and walked with Athena to the area where one can see the planes land and depart to distract him. Was struggling to carry him, yes, he is light, but it's like carrying something on you that squirms and turns while walking, tiring, okay? So much for my smart idea to do so. My arms sore from doing that. Anyways..

Went to WCO yesterday. Different this time. Haven't been to YG or WCO in a long time, four weeks I've been told. Time has been sprinting past me. This WCO is going to stay in my head for a really long time. I remember trying so hard to feel something. Peace perhaps? I know I kept saying He is my Strength, my Peace, my Calm. Too much emotions that I am numb, I can't feel. No expression of how I feel. No tears, nothing. Smile and answer questions when asked. That's what I did from the beginning of the night till the end, he then told me that I wasn't really smiling much. I don't know. Too much on my mind. Had headaches. Jude sent me back after his work, I had Big Gulp (again). And I had my nic fix on the way back. Two. When I told myself never to have another. Long night. Tried watching DVDs but me thinks Gerard disapproves, so I stared at the ceiling yet again.

Supposed to go out with Athena this morning at Starbucks before she leaves on Sunday, which is tomorrow, but she cancelled the date later during the night as I was on my way home after WCO. Upset. Then again, what can I do? I did spend time with her on Wednesday night at Isabella's and McD's. Found out things from her that well, hurts. Reminder to self - that's life. So shut it. Shut it.

Didn't go out with my parents. Didn't spend time with Adeline, my cousin at grandparents' as mum planned. Just watched rain at my window and doing my chores. Didn't do anything productive. Just this numbness that follow me. My little man, Baby Dylan came along in the afternoon. Such a little rascal. Apparently, my brother gave him this ink stamp that has a cutesy face on it. That little rascal who was supposed to be taking his nap next to daddy, took off the cover and started to stamp it all around his limbs. Talk about being artistic at a young age. In the end, daddy was tsking him all the way and trying to clean him. Hilarious as he looked as though someone used permanent blue eye liner on him, lol! Brought him back next door, his grandma who is my aunt stays there, so yea. That little rascal..

The above was written before I went out earlier in the evening. Got back around 2230 from dinner with family, the extended one, mum's side. Dinner is yet another necessity for most Chinese families. Conversations ranges from politics, to my studies, to the place where I'm going, to Audrey's studies, to religion.. And sometimes, I just have this awkward feeling when they have a go at my plans and what not. Shrug it off. As I always do. Full course Chinese dinner. So full. And everyone kept commenting on how skinny I looked since the last dinner, which was a drag. Because, hello, I'm NOT SKINNY!!! Jude came by to pass me my purse, I left it in his car. (Yes, super absentminded of me) got me a chocolate sundae and Big Gulp, (again!) We went out at 2300 to get some munchies, because I want Jude to eat. (No, I'm not thinking of fattening you, you skinny dude, just want to see you eat) Felt kind of uncomfortable buying the munchies in my dress. Ranted at my dining table again.. Stole a few songs from his Gina. Then, he went back while ago as I nagged (those of you who know how much I nag, hehe), and I'm now.. here, still in the dress I wore for dinner, typing away. (I know I'm lazy)

Might try to sleep. I think I should watch Narnia again. Mr. Tumnus! Parents want to head out earlier later on in the day. Grocery shopping and buying some other things that are not bought yet. Don't know how to express myself of the late. Words, you have fail me again. Or maybe, I'm using this as an excuse. I'm trying now.

But I promise, no matter what, I'm smiling..

Whispers

2008-08-19T22:44:00.002+09:30

The gunfire around us makes it hard to hear..

But the human voice is different from other sounds.

It can be heard over noises that bury everything else..

Even when it's not shouting.

Even if it's just a whisper.

Even the lowest whisper can be heard..

When it's telling the truth..

LORDY!

2008-08-16T13:35:00.002+09:30

OMG!!!!!!!

I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! I WANT!

*resumes calm cool collected I-don't-care composure*

That, people, is the book J.K Rowling penned! The title is.. *brace yourselves* "The Tales of Beedle the Bard". I know, great marketing product. She has millions already. I'm a hopeless fan of her books. So there. I want!!! Sadly, I don't think it's here. I know it's out in the U.S already. For those who don't know, it's a book she mentioned in her last installment of the Harry Potter books, which is Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows. That book is like children books, something like fairytales and what not.

This is a WANT. Not a need. Anyways, I WANT!!!

The vegesaurus wants to go SHOPPING!! SHOES!

Watch The Cursor

2008-08-16T00:38:00.007+09:30

Blink blink blink. Click click.

Typing in the dark.

Yesterday. Dilly-dally-ed the day. Chores. Text Sheryl and him. Gastric. Headache.
And of course, in the afternoon. Waited for Jude for hours. When we finally headed out, we were just as indecisive. Thanks Jude. I needed the company. And the addictive rabbit milk chewy sweets. Thank you for the computer tips, lol! Thank you for actually eating! For bringing me to mass. For supper and being so relenting. For letting me pester you to talk. For letting me talk your ears off and tease you beyond anything. And just for being you. Thank you. =]

Early morning. *smiles* I needed the reassurance. I needed the affirmation. I needed the confirmation. I needed the truth albeit I can't deny it hurts badly to know. I needed to know how you feel. I needed the time. I needed the touch. I needed to give myself this picture to match the one I believe in. I needed to be selfish for once and keep you up again even though I'm the one with insomnia. I needed to hear you tell me things that I know and don't know about. I needed to just hear it from you even I'd rather talk to you in person. Screw technology, I like it, but I don't like it. I needed to be.. in your words - manja. I needed to just be insufferable and piss you off. I just.. need to. I need to feel the ache more now, because that is much of what I have. I don't understand myself either. I was affirmed but it hurts. I can't cry. So fuck tears. Bittersweet. Enough said.

Slept for a few hours. Fuck them dreams. I'm tired emotionally of them. So FUCK it. I'm tired that they can actually monopolize things. I'm tired that they can actually dominate my emotions. I woke up. Had enough. Chores. Hurl what I ate, what's new? Gastric. Checked mail. Keyed in TRN number, visa approved. *smiles* Then, errands with mummy. From running up the stairs of the department just because I don't want lose my number and holding up my jeans to getting bloody hostile attitudes from ex-masters and deans. Got my I.C. And currently, still an illegal high school dropout. They finally let me fill in the forms for the leaving procedure. It annoyed mummy because she had to stand there and was given those looks. Such a hassle. One department from another. Unnecessary much? Ah wells. Leaving cert will be taken soon, hopefully. Dark clouds. Anticipation. Called Audrey, was worried about her. That gila girl. Was laughing when I called her. Made me worried thinking she was in shock, while in fact, she is GLAD to come home and have a week break. Funny how He works. Hope to spend time with her. Miss that silly cousin. Went about finding this place to eat, just because mum thinks I'm too skinny, right. *sorry, I can't help rolling my eyes* Ended at Jade Pot, again, was there yesterday with Jude. Got home. Then, I fell asleep on my bed as it rained. Dreams again. I woke up. Mummy came into my room.. she bent down and look at me, eye level. She said I look like a sad kitten on my bed. Curled up and eyes shiny. Didn't have dinner. Went out after watching this drama series with mummy. Shops were closing. But there were nice IT technicians who smiled and were helpful. Bless your souls. So managed to see the Dell Inspron 1420, vibrant colors. Love it. We'd scout tomorrow, daddy says. Going shopping tomorrow, mummy and me. I need more time. I just want some more time, damn it. I miss Sheryl..

Shoot me. I want to cry.

While he wishes he, could escape this.
It all seems so contagious,
Not to be yourself and faceless..
In a song that has no soul.

Feelings

2008-08-12T23:20:00.005+09:30

How I feel?

Tired. Lethargic. Slept from the early morning until the late afternoon today. Fever came back. Delirious.

Saturday. Spent time with Melissa. She invited me to dinner. I, now, miss her. Her family was as usual, lol! Her brothers. Lol!! She's infectious with her bubbly exterior, as she always does. Thanks to Sheryl and him for spending time with her as well. Feelings aside, it was just really pleasant. There was the blackout throughout the city. It was beautiful albeit a bit chaotic. The stars were beautiful..

Sunday, was spent getting things. Got my external hard disk. And waiting for my laptop to be shipped here soon. Dell Vostro 1300. Might type the specs here soon? Got my luggage. It looks big, but I doubt it'd be enough. Spent time with Sheryl and him. *smiles* Picked Anne up at the airport as well. Dreams.

Yesterday, did my urine test, didn't do it last Friday, due to certain reasons. Believe my medical forms are being courier over right now as I type. So crossing fingers about my visa being approved asap. Mum took time off to bring me to Dr. Kho's. She brought me to Causeway for dim sum, again. Then, I did chores. had Sheryl came by and went to get certain things for a certain project. *smiles* Watched her had lunch. And now, I'm craving foochow burgers again, and that fish pork siew mai. DIE! Anyways, she dropped by after work again, to talk. Thank Him for times as such. Listening to her talk with me on the floor with my chow chow. Comfort. Hope I was much comfort to her though.

Last night. Those dreams again. And dreams of my own. I didn't like them. Woke up with my pillow wet. At least, I had my chow chow. Was trying so hard not to call him and her. The details still vivid in mind. Managed to sleep again, but then, had another. Which was worse. It hurt, literally. So much for that. It darken the day. But I was shrugging things off. Or I tried.

Now. I'm numb.

I miss Brain.

Take My Life

2008-08-08T00:04:00.004+09:30

How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the sand on the shore.
But every time You've taken me back,
And now, I pray You do it once more.

Please take from me my life,
When I don't have the strength
To give it to You.

And how many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the stars in the sky.
But every time, You've taken me back,
And now, I pray You do it tonight..

Please.
TAKE FROM ME MY LIFE.
Guide me. HOLD ME.
I don't have the strength to give my life to You.
I don't have the strength to do what You've planned.
I don't have the strength to leave.
I don't have the strength to bear my cramps.
I don't have the strength to put up with pain physically, emotionally.
I don't have the strength to just leave it in Your hands.
I really can't.
I need Your Love, I want to trust You.

Again

2008-08-06T19:18:00.004+09:30

Sick. Again.

Cramps. AGAIN.

FEVER. Again.

Nausea. Again.

I need sleep. Again.

Dreams, morning, afternoon, night. Again.

Met the physician. Again.

Didn't go to work. Again.

Forgot my 3hour dosage, again.

I don't want to go to work. YET AGAIN.

Can't get through the application. AGAIN!!!!

Frustrated. Again.

********

I miss brain. AGAIN. Heard from him yesterday. *smiles*

I miss him.. so tired of how things are.

I miss sheryl. Again.

Missing people. Again.

(Someone I love dearly says this word again so cutely, I just remembered. Now, I smile)

*******

Again. Again. Again. Again. Funny how repetition can make that word don't seem like itself..

What If

2008-08-04T14:23:00.002+09:30

What ifs.

Too many of them.

Give me a box.

I want to lock them and hurl them to the sea.

Maybe.. they will leave me alone.

Being rational would be then alien.

Idealism, I missed you.

Where's my Marshmallow Land?

Did I Gave Myself That Chance?

2008-08-04T13:18:00.004+09:30

Do You Want to be Healed?

‏It seems like such a ridiculous question. Of course, I want to be healed! But, then, I knew, in the way you know, what He meant.

Was I willing to do the hard work of facing painful situations, of uncovering bitterness and admitting to deep, resentful anger? Was I willing to give up my stubborn excuses that allowed me to stay the same, somehow seeing my weakness and vulnerabilities.

Was I willing to give up control, let God be God, and admit that I can’t, but he can – or would I rather insist that I can, even though I can’t, holding myself in a cycle of helplessness and hopelessness?

By the pool at Sheep Gate, Jesus asked an invalid of 38 years: “Do you want to be healed?” and his question swept through the man, swept through 2,000 years, and swept into the shadows of my soul.

“Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me …”

But there stood the Great Healer holding out help, acutely aware that we can’t, but God can, knowing this to be true because he was walking toward the only way to recreate us whole and healthy. He was on the road to Calvary.

The question lingers for you: Do you really want to be healed?

(Note: The story that inspired this in John 5:1-9.)

***************

Have I been allowing Him to? It seems like I haven't. I keep saying He does nothing. That I can't feel Him in my life lately with so much spinning out of control. No, just, spinning out of MY control. Twisting into knots that I can't undo. Until they get undone somehow and spin off.

Let me ask myself again.

Do I really want to be heal? Would I let myself be healed? Same question.

Lately

2008-07-28T23:30:00.002+09:30

Spent at work.

Roller coasters rides inside.

Disappointments.

Dreams.

Frustrations.

Simplest delights of life.

Cherished moments spent with loved ones.

Doubts.

YGs and WCOs.

Sundaes.

Texts.

New gadget bought.

Used up first pay.

Amazing Grace. YFDO.

Now. So much to say. Will do so in time. This girl was here. Disoriented.

Give Me Strength

2008-07-12T00:06:00.013+09:30

Murderous.

Back pain and cramps hand in hand.

Back pain that literally hurts so badly. Long day. Eventhough work is now half day, still tired after nearly 4 hours of work. His way of assuring me how patient I can be. Not testing my patience, just assuring me that way. I believe. Work is alright. Kids always have a way to make me smile as feisty or naughty they can be. So cute when they get all sorry (I believe they know they have such powers) and all sweet looking that I just sigh. Yes, they keep going on and on calling - MS JO.. Kids. *smiles* Workplace is nice. But, I'm trying to get used to things.. So yea.

Just got back from YG. S.S Empowered, Worship. *smiles* Great as usual. Led by Him. Showered with blessings. Attended mass before I attended YG. It rained, soothed. *smiles* Chu shared, Karen shared.. Assurance. (Seems like a word I used alot lately) Sheryl, thank you so very much, for just being you, for the hand on my lap, the squeeze when you held my fingers. I can't thank you more but I thank Him so much for you. Dearest, thanks.. for the prayers, I know you care, that suffices really. Tiffy as usual was very sweet to care. Ju's back from Aus, that girl, so cute. Haven't seen her in ages. Another night where I get questions lined up. Thinking cap where art thou? Lots of questions in my head now. Getting a headache. Embarrassed with myself actually. Suddenly, halfway through, just overwhelmed. And my back hurt so badly. I loathe my effing mocking tears. Vulnerability.

Physical pain, I can bear. I can put up with it. Nothing new. But this ache as days pass.. I can't really bear it. The days are alright. But come night.. I can't hold up just as well. The dreams. The intense emotions. The questions. The doubts. The pain. (Ah, eff it if anyone thinks I'm losing my marbles and getting emo just for the heck of it. It's not a freaking fad okay? It's human. It's how we are. So eff. We all have feelings. Don't stereotype, thank you.) It gets so suffocating at times. When I get up, (reluctantly mostly) I'd feel devoid of feelings that are positive. There is just this gaping black void. The emotions from dreams not of mine lingers. It drains.. It sometimes, takes control of me. That's how weak I am, mentally, spiritually.

When I jolted up early this morning today, the wee hours as usual from one of those dreams,(one time too many during my sleep), drenched with sweat, gripped with fear, anger, hurt, sorrow. And the worst one, HATE. Hate that I don't understand. Hate that was coursing through my veins that didn't belong to me. My pillow, wet with tears that were shed not on my own accord. My limbs cold but shaking as if they really were part of those whose lives I was living in those moments during the dreams.. I was disoriented. I was scared. I was pleading on Him to give me a sign. I sat up. While I did so, I knocked my bible off my bed. I reached down and held it in my hands. It was warm. Flipped it open.. and reassurance He gives. I was not alone.. I never am. Tears came, happy ones. Peace envelopes. Here's what He showed me..

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the Everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and strengthens the powerless. Even youths will faint and be weary, and the young will fall exhausted; but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount out with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

Give me strength.. They say, ask and you shall receive. I'm asking. Give me strength. I need sleep. I need to understand. If you will it, let me understand. I need You so. Give me strength. Help me let go and just let you guide me. Ease this pain, the physical one, and especially the ache in my heart I feel so much lately. Take care of them, those I love so very much, those I just can't bear to leave, please. I can't just do this. Give me the strength to let go. To trust you. To leave them in Your Loving Arms. I need You. Give me strength. Be my shelter. Be my refuge. Be my strength. I'm asking now, as your daughter.

I falter. I need peace.

He comes. He reassures. He carries me.

Today

2008-07-09T23:33:00.002+09:30

I woke up early.

I didn't want to get up.

I was putting up with the cramps.

I was not really soothed by my shower.

I got my gadgets back.

I didn't get my leaving cert. Principal was unwilling. Still illegally a dropout.

I went to Dr. Chung, family physician.

I didn't feel very well. Damn pelvic back pain and cramps.

I had breakfast with mummy. At Auntie's. Smoothies.

I didn't really mean my smiles. But I just smiled along.

I went to the bank. The rate was down.

I didn't feel glad. I just felt guilt.

I heard from Sam..

I didn't mean what I said. I just told "the technical truth".

I managed to get "rest", lying down, earphones in.

I didn't really nap. Ended up at work.

I got home, showered, chores, dinner.

I didn't want to eat. But I did. I just didn't want to refuse.

I watched Into the Blue.

I didn't focus much. It was a blur.

I checked my mail and now here once more.

I didn't feel what I thought I will.

I want to trade my sorrows.

I didn't really let them go.

Cramps.

2008-07-09T01:21:00.003+09:30

Cramps.

EVIL CRAMPS! =(

I'm craving chocolate. Gah!

Just want to curl up in bed. Missing him. Missing Sheryl. Missing Brain.. Brain's leaving tomorrow.. =( Will be at work.. Can't send him off.. Pain. I want to be a fairy. Need hugs. Can't sleep. I neeeed SLEEP. Abba daddy, carry me..

Alicia Key's

2008-07-09T00:54:00.004+09:30

If I had no more time,
No more time left to be here.
Would you cherish what we have?
Cause I'm everything that you were looking for.

If I couldn't feel your touch,
And no longer were you with me.
I'll be wishing you were here,
To be everything that I've been looking for.
I don't want to forget the present is a gift.
And I don't want to take for granted the time you may have here with me.
Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed, so

Everytime you hold me,
Hold me like this is the last time.
Everytime you kiss me,
Kiss me like you'll never see me again.
Everytime you touch me,
Touch me like this is the last time.
Promise that you'll love me,
Love me like you'll never see me again.

How many really know what love is?
Now you never will.
Do you know until you lose it?
That it's everything that we are looking for.
When I wake up in the morning,
With you beside me. I'm so thankful that I found,
Everything that I've been looking for.

I don't want to forget the present is a gift.
And I don't want to take for granted the time you may have here with me.
Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed, so
Everytime you hold me,
Hold me like this is the last time.
Everytime you kiss me,
Kiss me like you'll never see me again.
Everytime you touch me,
Touch me like this is the last time.
Promise that you'll love me.

Love me like you'll never see me again..

Been listening to this over and over and over again. She lulls me to this melancholy state that it is actually alright to sleep.. Don't get myself at the moment. Nevermind. *proceeds to listen to it and closes eyes..*

5th and 7th of July

2008-07-08T23:51:00.004+09:30

5th.

Ben's wedding. (Benedicta. Sam's sister) Went for her wedding mass.. It was beautiful. Archbishop was different during his homily, very personal, which was something new. Sat with Sheryl and Sister Clement. Sat there thinking how I actually came to really love the whole atmosphere the church oozes. Couldn't shared brunch with Sheryl. Ended up at Causeway Hong Kong Restaurant for dim sum. (Went there for lunch with Adrian and my mamak and mum before he left for Perth on the 4th) Went Boulevard to scout for reasonable priced clothes (sighs), saw the cutest flats in Converse (then again, it's so costly! Going to scout more). Bought a VOIR top, so comfy, but a tad big though it's the smallest size. (Oh, it's green! *smiles*) Picked brother from tuition, had the avocado banana smoothie I want soo much at Auntie's. Bought my slacks at Tony's Mum's shop for a VERY LOW PRICE!! (they are superbly comfy!!) Got home and just clear my room which is already MESSY again. Went for mass with Sheryl. A night definitely of indecisive-ness OVERDOSE and EMO-overload. Nevertheless, it was.. memorable. (I miss her..)

Sunday was spent very lazily. Mass, dinner and what not. Night, need I say more about you? Three stars that were aligned in a straight line right next to the moon, gorgeous. Stars and more stars in the velvet skies..

7th
Happy Birthday, my daddy! I was rushing for my first day at work, didn't see him till the evening. =( A looong day at work, humbling experience. Very tired. Rushed like a mad person to get to daily mass. Picked Fr.Ramos on the way. Had dinner at Heritage with Fr.Jo (whose birthday was on Sunday), Fr.Ramos, Sister Clement and my family. As any chinese dinner, was very full, though I was said to eat like a bird. (Silly metaphor) Quite a dinner, those two priests super humorous. Fr.Ramos and his love for Guiness Stout (he can't get it in the Philipines) Stayed at my place for awhile and watched Prince of Egypt. Couldn't sleep.. long night.

Much happened. I just need to sort them.

Three of July and Two Days of June

2008-07-03T16:59:00.006+09:30

SAM'S BACK!!

Finally, spent time with him yesterday. Super busy that guy. Ed came along. The usual, bing. Lol, and random places. Need I say more? Well, he's leaving next week, Monday to be exact. Ah wells. What a night, what a morning. Unexpected twists, won a bet, dumb blonde jokes,weak bladders (hahahaha), funny words like vi-stg-stg! (double lmao!), someone. *smiles*

Sheryl sent custard over yesterday, it was at my fence. Heh! Thank you so much! Really sweet of her to do so.

Well, sunday, 29th June. Yet another night to just imprint and sear in. Enough said. It was one of those days where I just want to cock a gun to my head, load the catridge and just squeeze the trigger. Ah wells. Monday, 30th of June. Spent time with Sheryl, lunch! So nice to just spend time actually eating and what not. And yes, I do eat. Ice-cream and foochow burgers. Now I crave them. Ugh!

Went to talk to Uncle Michael on Monday (Thanks for correcting me,sheryl). It's really just, a relief. I know, I've been so adamant about going to see him. But when I did, I'm really glad I decided to. Shed light on things I was just confused about and what not. Thank God for being the Humourous Father you are! Sheryl came over when I got back from Uncle's house. Mango Chilled Cheese Cake and just kitchen table talk. I'm SO contented.

Ah, how can I forget? 1st July. Warm sun. Sunshine. Few minutes. Mango Chilled Cheese Cake (again). Breeze. Sensations. See how speechless life and blessings render me?

This is what happens when I just can't sit down and think.

18

2008-06-29T15:03:00.003+09:30

I'm LEGAL!!

hahahaha. Yes. I turned 18 yesterday. Initially was intending to post something before I sleep or something. But I didn't. The night was just too ... undescribable to just post right after I got back. (which for the first time, early) Spent time with my parents the whole day literally, right after school.

Let's see. I started this and don't know how to continue.
(note to self: never leave draft for more than 1 day)

Dinner with my parents at Thai. Had THREE different cuisines!! Then, went to caffe cino for hot chocolate! Anne and Sheryl came while we were there.

It's hands down the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!

Thanks for the gifts!! Dearest, I LOVED IT! (You just know me! huggs) Sheryl, thanks for the book too!!! And, my BRAIN, I loved loved loved what you brought all the way back!

The vegesaurus was here.. SPEECHLESS!

Cousins

2008-06-23T21:23:00.008+09:30

Pictures of the 8 of us during dinner at Sarawak Club. Time flies. Our family always have dinners together. So yea. Used to remember when we were little when we can't even get by the second course without making SO much noise, running about, spilling food on ourselves etc. And now, we can't really talk to each other. We're all teens. We basically try to make small talk. We try, at least, no? Anyways, it's endearing to have cousins.

Just for the fun of it. I'd post about them. My cousins. *smiles* Brief intros.

First in line, Audrey Ang Sing Yee. She's the eldest among us, going to be 20 in Dec. Currently home from studies, will be going back to UiTM to finish her foundation year on Maths. (Yes, she is majoring in Mathematics and on full scholarship from the Government) She'd be going to UK soon. So yea. Ex-Teresian. Top student. Studied in St.Jo for her Lower and Upper Six, which she didn't finish as she was offered the scholarship. She's funny, sweet and well, smart. =) Knows Ed Tang, btw. lol!

Next, Adrian. Ah, this guy. Most of my childhood memories are of him and nana (Edwina) his little sister. He's going to be 19 in August. Currently home until he returns to Perth to study in Curtin, early July, if I'm not mistaken. Studying business. Ex-lodgian. Close cousins.

Then, it's none other than Yours Truly and Adeline. We're no.3 and no.4. =) We're both going to be 18, she's a month younger. I'm still studying. And she's teaching kindergarten, Morning Bell. We're pretty close, as she speaks mandarin to me much. We text and call each other too. Funny girl, I missed her.

No.5 and no.6. The KAMBINGS. (Called kambings, cos that's the year both of them were borned in) hehe. My little brother and Edwina (Adrian's little sister). They are both in Form 5, in St.Joseph and Lodge, respectively. Those two are really close too. Text each other and all. Gila kiddos that I love to bits, but I don't admit. (So you guys can't tell) Edwina's older.. turned 17 in March and my brother's still 16+, his birthday is in Sept. (Btw, his birthday is on the 25th, same as Ed Tang's)

Last but not least, Alastor and Alvin. Those two. The younger ones. Alastor is in Form 3, and Alvin in Form 2. In St.Joseph and Green Road, respectively. These two.. lol, funny dudes. I bully Alvin all the time, cos he's still smaller than me. ><>

Anyways. For now. It's be that. More soon!

Back. Back. Back.

2008-06-23T19:58:00.004+09:30

Things happens.

You can't really just rewind them all the time. (Though, I tend to do that) Much has happened since I last posted anything. Just can't seem to actually find time to type out my thoughts and what not. Yea, I know. What's the point? Well, it's nicer than writing it on paper which I'd end up burning after a few weeks, heh. Don't know why though. I just do.

Trying to think back and see what "major" things that has been going on in my life or happening.. Let's see.

I got my P license! (Yes, I passed my test. Thanks to him and sheryl for being so supportive. Lol, sorry I punked you,sayang! Couldn't resist. Sheryl, thanks for being so so calming and funny too. Initially would have loved to give a blow by blow account about it, but now, it doesn't seem so important. But the song "Amazing Love" really helps with me driving with a cool head and I managed to let go of the handbrake! Whee! My side parking was great too. Lol.) School have been very busy. Had this lauching thingy for the 50th anniversary of our school being "formed" on the 14th. Didn't attend it fully as I went there with the girls from my class who are in this Cultural Dance Club (Yes, I do dance ><) to go over to the State Stadium for this Goverment organized activity for the Gawai Dayak Open Day. Family dinner because Adrian is back from Perth and Audrey from Shah Alam. Watched Kung Fu Panda. Had a school fair yesterday which was EXHAUSTING. (Sold rice for Grandma Recipe with poor wendy who was vegetarian. Oh, Sheryl and Nathalia came along too!! So happy. Thanks for the texts, dearest. Really calms.) The whole preparation for the game stall, which I didn't help Therese out yesterday was just an experience. Pretty calm when it comes to panicky situation, if I say so myself. Had to be, since Therese was already very annoyed about alot of things. The stall, Wendy and I looked after.. earned about 525, not too sure about the total. My class's stall didn't do well, supposedly, about 700 plus, teacher was not too glad about it. Ah wells. Had an earful of him complaining this morning. Mass yesterday though I attended on Saturday and all.

Spending time with people I care for much. Nothing beats that. Family or close friends. NOTHING, hands down beats it. *smiles*

This is a bit on the I-didn't-plan-how-to-type post. Sorry.

To Be Discouraged, A Choice

2008-06-11T22:50:00.005+09:30

Hebrews 10:36-37

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, “He who is coming will come and will not delay.”

If you’re discouraged because of God’s delay in answering your prayers, understand the delay is NOT a denial. Just because the answer or the miracle hasn’t come – yet – that doesn’t mean God isn’t going to answer, or that he’s forgotten you, or that he doesn’t care about you.

It simply means “not yet!”

Spiritual maturity is knowing the difference between “No” and “Not yet,” between a denial and a delay. The Bible tells us, “He who is coming will come and will not delay” Hebrews 10:37. The delay may be a test of your patience. Anybody can be patient once. And, anybody can be patient twice. And, just about anybody can be patient three times. So God tests you patience over and over and over. Why? To see how patient you are? No, he does it to show you how patient you are. So you’ll know what’s inside of you, and you’ll be able to know your level of commitment. God tests you so that you can know he is faithful, even if the answers you seek are delayed.If you’re discouraged, turn it around by remembering God teaches you patience during delay. Ask him to transform your discouragement into patience.

Some of you are discouraged over your children that their lives are not going well. Some of you are discouraged about your marriage; it’s not at all what you thought it would be. You feel deflated and disappointed. Some of you are discouraged about your finances, or your health, or the economy, or an unanswered prayer.

I want to say something to you, and it may sound mean, but it isn’t. It’s simply truth, so I say this in love: If you’re discouraged, that’s your choice.

We make a choice to be discouraged. We make a choice to let discouraging thoughts move freely through our minds. But, we can also make a choice to change our thoughts at any time, taking them captive in the Lord. You get to choose what to focus on – your purpose or your problems, God’s power or your weakness, or your circumstances.

We can fight discouragement.

Here’s a tip to help: When you get discouraged, focus somewhere else. Say to yourself, “I don’t have time to be discouraged right now. I’m too busy fulfilling my life mission.” This doesn’t mean you should be a Pollyanna and pretend everything is okay. You can be realistic, but you also need to be optimistic.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13. God says, “Lo, I am with you always” Matthew 28:20

He will help you and he will strengthen you. Faith starts with optimism. Some of you have been praying for something specific and you haven’t yet gotten the answer. In Habbakuk 2:3 God says, “These things I plan [for your life] won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place.” Just be patient. The answer you’re waiting for will not be overdue a single day. God’s timing is always perfect.

You may be going through difficult times right now and feel like dropping off the planet. You’re discouraged because the situation you face seems unmanageable, unreasonable, or unfair. It may seem unbearable and inside you’re basically saying, “God, I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t take it anymore!” BUT YOU CAN. You can stay with it longer because God is with you. He’ll enable you to press on. Remember, you are never a failure until you quit.

For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. Habakkuk 2:3

Don’t quit. Resist discouragement and finish the race God has set before you.

*************

Thought provoking, no? The above is excerpted from two mails Sheryl sent me. Edited it and put both of it together. This is one those "answers" He gives me. =) He's super tech-savvy, okay? Here I am, still questioning and suddenly, He sents me answers through mail, lol! (Thanks to Sheryl) Been very frustrated lately. And, poof. ANSWERS. Answers I wanted. Answers that reassures. Answers that I thought don't exist. Answers to questions I thought He didn't think was important enough to answer.. Answers in little little forms. He has been answering me all these while. He's a wonder working God that sometimes, it makes me smile just to know these albeit maybe a tad late than I'd like. Nonetheless.. *smiles* He gave me answers to things I questioned for two years, TWO LONG years. (okay, I'm exaggerating, but it was long okay?) But, I was relieved, contented, satisfiend and yes, ready, it seems. He seems to know what's best. A loving Father indeed. And now, I'm speechless. (literally) Don't know what to say. So many things in my head now..

And, buckets of love He sends much in abundance lately. Just when I needed it the most .. Rain, my love, my solace. *smile* The train of thoughts is chugging away, best I take my leap and climb aboard. Going to watch rain outside my window. Soothing melodies of old that lisped of true promises and loving tears.

Headache now, I need sleeeeeeep.

To be discouraged, it's not willed by Him. It's our choice and ours alone. Why did I chose that? I still don't know why. Why do I choose to deny that I'm weak and I should just trust?? Why. Too many of them why's.. My thinking cap is fraying at the ends.

Panic Mode

2008-06-11T22:26:00.004+09:30

Panicking.

Hyperventilating.

Driving test, the retest is tomorrow. I'm panicking. Sighs. I know I practised it soo many times today, but it doesn't seem enough. Side parking and the hill. Ahhh! Been driving since 2 something. Rest in between, a girl and this guy had their turns too. Dozed a bit, too tired. Drove home just now. Nothing beats speeding on the road, though it's not a good thing to do, risking people's lives somehow. Should vent it else where.

School was school, need I say more? Our Shangainese teacher, Ms Yang left us, her husband was transferred to Germany for this job. So yea. Mr. Tan, one of our school's veteran, semi-retired teacher came and he will be subsituting her and teach us till our exams in October. Double period chinese was not bad as I thought it'd be. Mr. Tan gave us this assignment to research and write up a report of some sort on the Sze Chuan Earthquake on the 12th of May. Will be graded on content and such. Hopefully I'd do well on it. He was sharing much about his thoughts on the earthquake, the politics in China and the students he taught. Something he said motivated me. "Search yourself. Find yourself. Dare to venture and be different. Maybe your cup of tea isn't studying. Maybe it's something else. Not everyone's cut out for school. You have your talents. You're raw. Find it and don't let anyone tell you eitherwise. You just need to persevere." Something like that, can't really remember. When I remember, I'd tell, heh. School has been just lots of rush work and new assignments. Demanding. Got few of my papers back, what the hell have I been doing those days when I took my exam? My english is a pathetic B+, 80 marks. And the science subjects.. few marks to borderline passing grade of 50. Pathetic to the capital P.

Tried to stay awake. By the 7th and 8th period, I was having this really bad headache and gastric some more (I did eat, but just had it) Slept and had dreams during the 8th period, so frustrated. Missed out on math period today. Rushed to get home. The usual chores and shower, then drove till nearly 7 something.

Going to play Spongebob Squarepants now. So ugh.

*fingers crossed, prayers lisped*

Hopefully, come tomorrow.. I'd passed the test. God willing.

Beyond Worthwhile

2008-06-09T22:20:00.010+09:30

Worthwhile.

A word I've come to use more of late. *smiles*

When I thought cramps could get the better of me, when I thought I'd get so affected by surrounding emo-ness from those around and feeling helpless, when I thought gastric pain would knock the wind out of me (literally), when I thought back pain would hurt so bad that I just want to curl up in bed, when I thought school would be so suffocating tomorrow, when I thought things could get any bleaker, when I thought how could our lives be riddled and tied down with decisions and limitations..

You showed me the meaning of life in the form of a sweet, pesky, frisky, super "manja" 3 year old whom I love to bits and pieces.. for that, I thanked You.

Baby Dylan (okay, he's not so much of a baby anymore, sobs. But, well, I don't want him to GROW UP SO SOON!!) came over just now. He normally stays next door with his grandma until his parents finish work and come over for dinner. Lately, he had this strike about not coming over because we all not all home.. So yea. (The other day, sometime last week, he came over and my bro was in camp, I was out.. he kept asking where we were. He said, why ee and kuku not home. Why family not home. So he don't want to come over. Sweat.) His mum's my cousin, by the way. He and his funny antics and his "toddler" speech, how can I stay all uptight and stressed when I was given sticky honey kisses when I caught him in my arms (he was drinking honey from a bottle, no more milk bottle!! sobs, growing up..) and get called - ee (small aunt) so cutely eventhough that title is old. Heh! Entertained us with his little antics that makes one smile and sigh with content at the dining table. (Might just post about his funny lines one of these days) A few snapshots of him, being well, just him.. *smiles*

ee, look at me, no eyes. (My expression - O_O don't do that! proceeds to laugh)

See, I do monkey. Oo! Oo! (was laughing along with family)

Ee-po, ice-cweam cold cold. I want.

ee, look, new smile..

*Sighs with a smile*

Things like this just make life so WORTHWHILE! My day today was alright. Went to school with daddy to get my results. Then, got home and went to work with mum. Mum decided should just make me eat before going to work with her. Went to Auntie Corner (a family fave) and bumped into Aunt Anna. Endearing, encouraging and what not to be there, listening to them talk, being told off and what. Was frustrated, yes. But nothing of that now. Spent the whole day at the office, supposedly revising organic chemistry (which I don't remember half of it at all). It was so so so cold and was having really bad back pains and cramps. Tired. Played Spongebob Squarepants Collapse, one of those simple games, hehe. Got back and yea.. dinner which lifted my spirits. And not to mention texts from sheryl and him. *smiles*

Little things make me happy. Thank You, My Strength, for reminding me of why I'm still pushing to live this life. Thanks for giving your absentminded daughter a little nudge of a reminder once in awhile. Oh yea, it rained, the whole night.. though didn't get much sleep, it soothed. *smiles*

My left foot and his left foot! *grins*

As I told someone, I am content.. And I'd say once more, "Yes, I am." *smiles*

Galatians 6:9

2008-06-09T21:52:00.004+09:30

"So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time. "

Galatians 6:9

There are many things that work to keep us from completing our life-missions. Over the years, I’ve debated whether the worst enemy is procrastination or discouragement. If Satan can’t get us to put off our life missions, then he’ll try to get us to quit altogether. The apostle Paul teaches that we need to resist discouragement: “So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up …” (Galatians 6:9 NLT).

Do you ever get tired of doing what’s right? I think we all do. Sometimes it seems easier to do the wrong thing than the right thing. When we’re discouraged, we become ineffective. When we’re discouraged, we work against our own faith. When I’m discouraged, I’m saying, “It can’t be done.” That’s the exact opposite of saying, “I know God can do it because he said ….”

Ask yourself these questions:· How do I handle failure? ·When things don’t go my way, do I get grumpy? · When things don’t go my way, do I get frustrated? · When things don’t go my way, do I start complaining?· Do I finish what I start? · How would I rate on persistence?

If you’re discouraged, don’t give up without a fight. Nothing worthwhile ever happens without endurance and energy. When an artist starts to create a sculpture, he has to keep chipping away. He doesn’t hit the chisel with the hammer once, and suddenly all the excess stone falls away revealing a beautiful masterpiece. He keeps hitting it and hitting it, chipping away at the stone. And that’s true of life, too: Nothing really worthwhile ever comes easy in life. You keep hitting it and going after it, and little-by-little your life becomes a masterpiece of God’s grace.The fact is, great people are really just ordinary people with an extraordinary amount of determination. Great people don’t know how to quit.

Something Sheryl sent me. Would be thinking material among the other cluttered things in my head tonight, for me it seems. To resist discouragement. Somehow, it seems the easy way out to say - Okay, that's it. It's impossible. I don't want to bloody do this anymore. It's easy to say that. So so easy to just give in. For me, my EVIL NEMESIS is definitely - PROCRASINATION. I'm this unwilling bride married to this evil husband that manipulates me and well, whispers false sweet nothings and hence, I put things off. (Seems like I'm blaming it.. ><) Have this sparking motivation in me to just TRUST His Will, do my part and reap SOMETHING my parents would be proud of, something that they'd brim at the eyes end of the year..

What about you? =)

Sunday Sunday

2008-06-08T23:48:00.009+09:30

On a lighter note.

My last day having my holidays. My Sunday.

Jojo left early this morning, nine-ish. Uncle called and she went back. *huggs girl, you'd be alright, you hear! Be strong, but know that it's okay to be not strong all the time, you have us.* Was tired. Couldn't sleep while she slept at night. Stared at the ceiling, lying on my back. After she left, washed my clothes and what not, showered. Felt better. Showers rocks! Umm, okayyy, moving on. Did chores. And ended up dozing off after sitting curled at the sofa watching the fishes in daddy's aquarium.. So tired. Slept with songs played from his mp3 *smiles*.. Norah Jones - Those Sweet Words. Sketchy detailed dreams again. But shrugged them off. Got up, was playing zuma the whole time and being online, couldn't stand the headaches. And got hit in the guts by cramps! Evil cramps!!

Went for sunday mass. Similar homily, lol! Dinner with my family at Sisters'. Forced food and smiles, couldn't let cramps get to me and get all mean.. so unfair to my family if I did. Texts from him and sheryl, so it was bearable. *smile smile* As mentioned earlier on, the result thingy, checked my merits and demirits (sighs, so many! And for things I don't recall having done. Ah wells. Sod it.) and now.. reminiscing my sunday.

School tomorrow. Thank God is ONLY to take my results (which I showed mummy already.. so, not that horrid.) I'd be fine for sure, He'll guide me. Going to spend the whole day being more productive, going to mum's work place as she'd be alone since her colleague on leave. Spend time with her too, killing two birds with one stone. I'm holding on.. Hebrew 1:35, I'd keep in mind.

One week only. How bad can it be? =)

Suddenly want a kitten or a puppy.. Sorry garfield (my old stuffed toy), you haven't been helping much. A live one would be better.

I NEEEEED SLEEP! Go away cramps. =(

SLAP!

2008-06-08T22:18:00.004+09:30

SLAP!!!

Yeap. More like electrocuted! Called Therese to talk about something. Was whining to each other about how we were not looking forward to school tomorrow.. Then, suddenly she asked - Hey, results out online.. you checked yours yet? I was like - OH YEA!! SHIT! I haven't check. *starts to sweat then hyperventilate* umm. call you back later, I go check online..

Click Click.. Text sheryl. Calls sheryl. Breathe breathe. Shit, what's the school website again?? Sheryl comforts. Googled it. Thanked Sheryl. Click click. Rattle student ID number under my breath.. Type in ID number and pass. Holds breath. Why page load so slow. Clicks another window. Muttering under breath.. Page loads. Ugh, fully loaded. Hand trembles. Clicks on results. And proceed to...

HUMBUG!

For the last term EVER in high school.. my average is a BLOODY D! How in the world did that happen? Well, not surprised, I'm not on honor roll or the SMARTEST person you'd know. My papers for my semester exams were tough and I didn't really know how to answer most of my science subject papers. And maths, UGH! And to top it off, I was absent for quite awhile in April and I didn't take leave, hence get deduct marks for being absent off my average. Ah wells, I deserved it. Sod it! No excuses. You reap what you so, Jovina. So face it. Disappointed about my geography.. A C+ with only an average of 78. Sighs. Practically fail everything with the passing mark being 50. Sighs.

Average after deduction of marks from being absent from school/being late for class/mundane things - 53.4. *grimaces* Tsk at self for being lazy to do procedures for taking leave. Stupid stupid stupid. So what if it was a hassle? Could have got a C at least if I did, 60 plus plus average. (Will enlighten anyone who doesn't understand how my school works.) Useless to cry over split milk. This girl shall learn from her mistakes. Yes, she will.

Sod it.

Let me lick my wounds.

2 weeks

2008-06-08T15:16:00.007+09:30

Yeap.

2 weeks of sabbathical holiday.

I've yet to hold a pen and write anything "educational". (Defination of educational being anything to do with numbers, chinese characters, scientific terms etc.) I've yet to calculate anything more than my change I'd get after paying something. I've yet to write a chemical equation and balance it. I've yet to write ANY chinese characters since my last paper two fridays ago. I've yet to run through my head the mechanics of certain things in life, think physic. I've yet to close my eyes and commit to memory how every single part of the anatomy in a human body works. I've yet to do anything as one would put it - productive or contributing to my education. Okay, maybe a little (just to reassure myself) I did read a bit of bio. Hah, like that counts.

And, guess what. Tomorrow, SCHOOL STARTS.. I'd be getting my results *shudder shudder scream scream!!* for my first term, which is also my last term exam EVER in high school. October's coming!!! Ah wells. What's done's done. SAVE ME!

These two weeks. *inhale, exhale*

I can't say I didn't learn anything. Oh, I did. Learnt that sometimes, I can be so BLOODY indecisive. Learnt that staying out late and getting home after midnight, breaking curfews and tuning parents out hurts them JUST AS MUCH as I think it does me. I do know my actions can never be justify no matter how I tell myself otherwise because I understand how irresponsible I am. I've learnt so many things about myself, about those I care for, and definitely more about Him. How He tends to guide and well, laugh at me, perhaps He chuckles more. Learnt that being locked out of the house is but nothing but DESERVED. Learnt that emo-ness is so BLOODY CONTAGIOUS! Learnt sometimes a single text can change you, your emotions etc. Learnt that somehow there's always a reason to everything. Learnt I still can't ever get sleep. Learnt I should just sing more Sound of Music songs before I go for driving. Learnt that I just have to trust Him. Learnt I can really love. Learnt I mean something to others. Learnt different people show love differently. Gosh, I did learnt.

Just to reminisce.

Throughout the two weeks, I spent my time with people I hold dear. Did chores. Stayed home. Watched dvds! Read books, as usual. Watched a few movies. Spent one too many nights out late. *grimaces* Spent time with JO!! Spent time with Gen who was back for awhile. Ah, gawai. My gawai was spent with Sheryl. I'm so GRATEFUL for her, for our friendship, for everything. Randomity is what you'd get when we two get together. To just squeeze everything into one word, it was - lovely. (hahaha, I'm cheesy!) If I was not mistaken, spent 10 hours with her. Went to Nat's house then movies at night after I got home to shower and all. Watched What Happens In Vegas with Sheryl, Steph and Merv. Couldn't really remembered when, I did watch The Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian. Not too bad. My ass hurt though, watched with Merv, Pius, Sheryl and Errol. And earlier on the week, after mass, I watched Indiana Jones with Ed and Ken. Indiana Jones - HAO XIAO! (directly translated, so STUNT-filled.) And Shia, gosh.. swoon!

Jo sleptover last night. She slept mostly. As usual, I couldn't sleep. She came over around 4, went mass with her. Had this weird-make-me-freak-out incident before daddy picked us up. Was freaked okay! Had dinner at Tomoe's, yes, I do eat. Then, went to Boulevard because mummy wanted ice-cream. Went around looking at I quote from Jo - hooker heels. *sweat*. Got a few *cough cough* things. Laughed at "fruits" (lol!!) And, yea.. spent time with her. Girl talk, pillow talk, laughing at jovina baby photos talk. It was great.. Wish could send her off.

Oh yea, before I forget. DRIVING. Went for lots of driving lessons. And, yes, I failed my driving test..

I failed my hill. I did alright for my route part though, 19 out of 20, great JPJ guy. Thanks to those who were texting and all throughout the whole day! I really appreciate it. Going to resit it on the 12th. *cross fingers and lisp prayers* I was like this lost kid with my hippo pillow at the institute hyperventilating. Gosh. Then,I prayed like crazy. Was asked to go to the car. My palms were all clammy and all. Started the engine.. and started singing "His Love is Amazing". And I was, chanting in my head - It's your Will, Your Will. I failed it. I couldn't let go of the handbrake!! SO hard! I was like using both of my hands and muttering - Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! (Oh, the sight of me must be so funny) I was swearing alot. Was struggling with the handbreak and suddenly the car start to slip, I was like oh shit! let go of my accelerator to step on the brakes. And, next thing I knew it was swearing my way down the bloody hill. Sighs. Had too much of my nic fixes too. I need bananas!

So much to say. So much I learnt. Who says two weeks was long!!?

Was here, not looking forward to school tomorrow. Bah humbug!

#39 Tips

2008-06-07T00:00:00.005+09:30

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Buy a DVD and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Play more games and read more books than you did in 2007.

7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree..

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

26. Forgive everyone for everything.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. GOD heals almost everything.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

33. The best is yet to come.

34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

35. Do the right thing!

36. Call your family often.

37. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

39 tips from mummy dearest. It's funny how sometimes, I think I miss making lists. Although I don't really follow my own lists, it does give a sense of calm. Will try to do a check list of these 39 tips, I'm sure I'd work something out on it. A few of them, I'd love to really do, such as no.1, no.5, no.7, no.8, no.12, no.13, just to name a few. no.16 is something I definitely must do, supposedly I have very bad, weird eating habits. no.35 pratically screams at me and yes, I'd keep in mind no.28 and no.38 at all times. =) I'm just in need of sleep. Cluttered thoughts.

Do you think my side is greener?

2008-06-04T22:47:00.004+09:30

Saw this picture on Deviantart. (Click on it for a bigger picture. Not really clear. So yea.) Here's the excerpt after the picture. I quote -

I know there is something better for me
Where the grass is greener
Where I can hold up my head high
Where I can feel the warmth of the sun
Maybe it's not so far away
Maybe all I need to do is open my eyes
Maybe it's all in my point of view
Maybe it's right under my nose

Sometimes. I feel that way. I feel being how I am, isn't enough. My best, my efforts, everything I thought sufficed, now, just do not seem enough. And the last few lines just jump out at me, literally - Maybe it's not so far away. All I need to do is OPEN MY EYES. Maybe it's all in my point of view. Maybe it's RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE. That's just how it is with me, I guess. How my faith is.

This is going nowhere. The ramble ends here.

Of The Late

2008-05-22T16:50:00.008+09:30

(Note: This is a windy, rambling one)

Been having my semester exam, for the first semester.

English and Biology. Tomorrow. Last papers.

It'd be the last semester test I'd EVER have in my entire life. Seriously. Last year in high school. Next year, I won't have to take it. Part of me, feels afraid. Scared. Being in this rountine life makes you afraid of new things, perhaps? The last year, I'd switch with another class (normally a younger form, say Junior2C this year. Which was my junior class too.) The last year, I'd wear a uniform to sit for my papers. The last year, where I sit at my table staring at the words that grin and mock me. The last year, I'd force myself to shrug at the kids who are super noisy before the exam. The last year.

Had the test since last Saturday. Went for the W.C.O, Word Chill Out on Friday. Asked myself alot questions within. It's about speaking out, about one's faith. Many many questions. Speak from within. Monday was Wesak. (which is my lunar birthday btw) Got two gifts, by two very sweet people. =) Performed for Fr.Joseph and Msg. William's Sacradotal Silver Jubilee. It was a great night. Went for mass before too. Mime was awesome. Fr.Jo said he LOVED it!

Last week, has been a whirl. If I were to sit back and watch everything all over again, I might miss some things too. My gadgets got confiscated. No, I'm not pissed or upset, really. Just, upset over other things. I owned up, asked for the punishment myself. I was tired. Too tired to give a fuck. It doesn't matter, really. Material things that's all they are. I'd say this though, I broke down. Seriously, broke down. When I was asked if I was alright before the whole thing, I was so calm, collected. Then, after that question, I just cried. I loathed myself then and there for being so weak. So vulnerable.

Tia left for TARC on the 8th. I missed her even more. Showing it would mean weakness. Ah wells. Before she left, went out with her with Tony at Tao's after dinner at Secret Garden on the 4th. I realize, friends stay if they are true. And those two.. *smiles* Just are one of those few true ones, I've found and glad to have.

Nights have been.. intense. (Okay, that sounded wrong.) But it has been draining. So yea. Lots of thoughts in my head at the moment.

Been getting answers lately. Late as they are, I'm still relieved. =)

Anyways, driving lessons in a bit. Driving test on the 29th. Crossing fingers.

Till the next, toodles.

Aids Convention

2008-05-22T16:46:00.009+09:30

India.

What would you imagine? Which India?

Mumbai? The bustling city. Or Kolkata? Would you be thinking of the slums of India, where children aren't fully dressed, malnourished and barefooted? Or the westernized Mumbai, where the youngsters are clad in jeans. Which ever part of India, you're thinking of.. my post will be a little about it for now. Might get a bit windy. Just because my thoughts are cluttered now.

When I went for this Aids Convention held at the Spring. That's what I experienced. Being taken on a ride by a narration played on an MP3 given to me as I entered. It was quite an experience. I was going on this girl's life journey in India. Her name's Jothi. She's a few years younger, 14 or was it 16.

Followed the instructions of the narrator. I didn't take photos of it, it was not allowed. Was asked to sit down at this bench.. Then, sounds from the city, sounds of people, flooded my ears. Was asked to imagine.. It's like I went right to another different world. The old India, the people. The sights and smells. All of that. Like I was there myself, totally "travel and adventure feeling". Heh.

Then, my journey began. I'm now walking through her life, the place she stayed, the things she went through. She lost her parents to HIV or sickness, couldn't really remember. She had to stay with her uncle and aunt who grudgingly took her and her little brother in. Her uncle and aunt will quarell over caring for them. Openly complain that she and her brother were burdens to them. At times, she'd cower underneath her thin blanket, shivering and scared. Her little brother who's weak would cry, fuelling the anger in her aunt and uncle. Her only joy was her grandmother. Slowly, after much family disputes and all, age and illness took its toil on her grandmother. Her sole source of love, just faded. She had to find work. Being 10 only, she would wake up early in the morning to work, collecting scraps of metal for miles on end, on an empty stomach. Big trucks on the road drive past, and the truckers would leer and sneer at little Jothi. She must have felt so alone. So afraid. She had no choice. Earning money albeit so meagre was vital. So she persevered. I admire her strength, really.

She got sick sometime soon. She worries day and night. Wondering if she might have what mother and father had. Having sleepless nights. I felt the anxiety she must have felt, wondering if she has HIV or not. Plucking up the courage, she went to the clinic. Overcame her fear of needles and took the test. I was then, asked to sit on the bench, divided by a curtain there. There were other people there too. then, the narrator asked me to get up to take the "results". Went up to the person behind the booth, heart actually beating a few beats too fast. And, this volunteer dressed up as a nurse, used a stamp and inked this negative sign on me. I actually felt relieved, Jothi was HIV-negative. Gosh. It was such a journey. Before I continued on to the next "room", the narrator asked me to turn around and look at the bench opposite the one I sat. It was filled with people who was in it too. Was told that those would be the ones with results that are positive. So was quite overwhelmed.

Went to the next room, the wall of hope. Where I was asked to write my hopes for those who have HIV. Left my note.. and pinned it on the bulletin. Went through another "room" where the walls had pictures of kids around the world who had HIV, being innocent and all. Touched. I took pictures of my inked "result" on my left hand and the band.. and a few brochures. But those pictures are lost.

Always knew about HIV and AIDS. Want so badly to do something about it. But what can I do besides showing equality and being accomodating to those who have it? I want to do more. Period. Want to make a difference. Not just talk, but for real. For now, I'm still thinking how to.

What will you do?

E.R '08

2008-05-22T16:05:00.007+09:30

My E.R experience.

It seem like weeks ago, when in fact, it wasn't too long ago. It was an impulse. To attend it. To help out (just because I didn't want to say no). To grab hold once more. To get back on that track. I don't know.

Was asked to describe it with one word, by Rick or was it Ralph? Yeap. I came up with the adverb - LOVELY. (Yes, so cheesy). Was there as a servant. As in, not wholly a participant, but to work. Attended a few of the workshops. Attended part of the concert, all hyped up and so filled with Him. Jumped, screamed, sang and what not before performing the mime with them. The Drama - Deal or No Deal, was great! The crowd was, unexpected. The dance, Break Free was so powerful. And the songs sang by the Music Ministry - empowering! The emotions, god. I thank Him for it. Overall, it was GREAT. I'd love to analyse every single thing of the whole E.R, but just not so up to it for now.

From the many nights of practicing for the mime, Who I Am. To going through lots of things. To watching the whole set up. At the process of it all, gained new friends. Close ones. Maybe, someday soon (hopefully during my holidays) I'd write a longer one on E.r 08. As the days pass, I realise, I miss it. The practices. Everything. But one thing is for sure, I'm doing my best to live my life with L.O.V.E.

Live. Obedience. Victory. Empowered.

He guided us all. That's for sure. We asked - Who Am I? Here's His Answer. We are His.

More soon. Pinky promise.

Eventful

2008-04-20T16:35:00.003+09:30

This few days in school this week can be summed up as - EVENTFUL. Yeap. Happenings and what not, peppered throughout the week.

Tests. Homework. Tuition. The daily routine that drives my life. Sighs. The tests I mentioned. Especially chinese, my lord. I can't do it. Stupid me. We went for jogging in the morning, on Tuesday morning. Lol.

The above was typed awhile ago. In which, the school held a Sports Day which was quite alright excluding the fact that Therese got her sister's cellphone confiscated and I got quite sunburnt, it was quite a day. I might need to jog my memory.

Up next, would be on E.R 2008. Aids Convention. Going out with Therese etc. Table for three.

Sometimes, I just wish I had a laptop.

And It Begins

2008-04-15T23:16:00.006+09:30

Tests.

"Zhong Che"s. (A test in which covers a whole year syllabus)

Tests. and Tests.

Sighs. 1st Chinese Zhong Che tomorrow. 3 Main Chapters with 3 sub-chapters in it. It might seem like a small number, but TRUST ME, it isn't. It's a whole LOAD of things to commmit to memory if not forever, but for at least the next few hours. The whole ancient chinese poems, literacy etc etc. Thank goodness Senior 1 Chinese was taught by Mr.Lee. Bless his soul! At least, it's not that HORRIBLE to have to study from scratch but just do revision as he taught it quite well that it left impressions. Cross my fingers that I don't flunk this time. Fingers crossed.

Biology Test, Thursday, on Chapter 22 Microorganism. Part 1, Virus. And The Five-Kingdom Classification System thingy magicky.

English Literature Test on Friday. Stupid ANIMAL FARM!! Chapter 3 and 4. I've yet to do the summary for these two chapters and also the questions.

Perhaps, come October, I'd be more of a loony than I already am..

So, yea. Those of you that I adore to bits, it helps to be CRAZY! I'd need all the SUPPORT I can get! Yeap, officially, NUTS.

Smile

2008-04-15T22:22:00.004+09:30

Smile. Connie Talbot, a British little girl, child prodigy sang this. Inspirational.

Smile..
Though your heart is aching
Smile..
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky,
You'll get byIf you smile
Through your fears and sorrow, smile
And maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness,
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying..

Smile..
What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worhwhile,
If you just smile.

Found!!

2008-04-15T22:12:00.004+09:30

It was once "lost".

But now, it's found!

Yes! Wendy took it home on Saturday! (Bless her soul!) Apparently, as she puts it, I left it at her desk, (she's sitting next to me,our desks are connected, primary school style, see) as I was rushing off to Leo. I was pratically overjoyed! I was like "OMG! *squeals squeals squeals* (I normally don't squeal. But I was so oblivious at my own joy. hehe. Was told it was infectious as Wendy was grinning ear to ear and told me that once I calmed down) She gave it back to me yesterday after the talk in the Auditorium during first period where I sat alone and was worrying/trying to keep awake the whole time.

I'm glad. Really.

Thank you for being listening ears all! And thank you, Abba. You must be chuckling at your absent-minded daughter who doubts you much. *sheepish*

Saturday, Sunday

2008-04-14T00:07:00.006+09:30

On a lighter note.

Saturday morning - school.

My Saturday night was actually not bad, except for the whole realization that dawn a few hours too slow that I lost my purse. Went out with my parents just to get out of my brother's way, he was in a bad mood and didn't want to tick him further as my patience is wearing thin lately. Went to The Spring with my parents. Grocery shopping! (I love it, really, I do) Mummy ragged on how I dressed. Okay, I know she cares for me, but please, I'm not in the greatest mood to look great, not that I ever do. So, jeans, faded tee that was hers, flip flops. So sue me. Sorry mummy. I just need some space that's why I shut up when you were on my case, didn't want to fuel things, I care, but I dare not go loud on you. Went off to MPH alone, bookworm heaven!

Met up with Therese to buy a gift for Alex who turn 18th on the 10th of April. Crazy girl laughed at me when I texted her telling her that I was at the "Self-Help" section of MPH. Sweat. We had a few laughs (loud ones, I believe) over this fortune-telling book. So funny. Ended up buying chocolates for Alex. Failed to find any boxers at all from body glove, darn! It's always fun to go out with her. She laughs at absolutely anything and tells really LAME LAME jokes. Went to faceshop to get nail polish, again. hehe. She bought for herself since I was cash-less. I ended up being rude and painted my left hand bubblegum pink. (Angel & Brain, you should see my nails!!)

Helped daddy chose coffee beans in Starbucks and he's happy. Lol. Got home and played games from my cell. Thinking. And those DREAMS came when I fell asleep. Driving dreams too. Ah wells. Intense ones.

Today, I was a BUM. I only revised a portion of my Biology for this test on Virus & Bacteria. Sighs. Stupid me. Ended up watching two movies that I never watched after buying them, Disturbia and Pathfinder. (Yea, so old ones) Loved Disturbia. And I fast-forwarded some parts in Pathfinder, too draggy. Disturbia makes me paranoid. And some scenes were like so "BOO!" lol.

I officially need to say this. SHIA is HOT!! omg. I loved him since his Even Stevens days. hehe.

I stumbled on my reading today during mass. Occupied brain. Too much thoughts. Oh wells. I said "A reading from the second letter from St.PAUL. WTF. It's St.Peter. Good thing I didn't swear! The mic was near my lips. Had the whole pew to myself. So yea. Was thinking, and I played a game on my cell to keep awake. heh. Oh, wore a skirt to do reading. Been told, "psst, didn't know you had a great bum" I was like "huh?" then inside me I was like "wth.." Dinner at Sister's. Cantonese Kueh Tiaw again. Full, but I finished it all, okay? I love my teh c peng special.

So now, bumming online, again.

Lost

2008-04-13T23:54:00.006+09:30

It's lost, I think.

No. It really is, I believe.

For the umpteenth time tonight, I'd repeat myself again. Repeat the story of "why is it lost?" I couldn't find my purse when I was getting ready to go out with my parents yesterday. I didn't panic at first. But then, when I searched again and couldn't find it and I was like a madwoman, hurling around in my room, swearing under my breath. Chanting, oh no, oh no. It's gone, I think. I believe I left it in school during Leo. Sobs.

My I.C. My Lousy L license. My student I.D. My money.. My things.

Stupid JOVINA!

Hopefully someone has it. BLESS YOUR SOUL whoever you are..

I want it back!!

Another Week, gone.

2008-04-13T23:29:00.004+09:30

One week gone again.

Closer to that dreaded month, OCTOBER.

Got my monthly report card on Monday. Mediorce lousy grades. I failed Chemistry! Shit. I got a B last month, but now, it's a bloody D. Disappointed. Maths was worse, getting worse. Physics only 45. Chinese is so BAD too. Don't fret, I didn't cry over it, because I can't. Sighs. I failed I.T, not suprised because it's practically BLANK. Only subjects that were alright was BM, 84. Geography, 82. English, 91. English Lit, 89. Oh wells.

About the Scrabble Challenge last week on Saturday, I didn't win, also. Was at the same table with Therese and Christian. He started with a word - hone. And the tiles all three of us got was "UGLY", consonants and more consonants. My score was 130, after deduction of points for leftover tiles. Therese got 135, I can't remember Christian's. The score keeper was this junior 3 kiddo, so funny. Lol. In the end, it was fun as the three of us were like man, let's share tiles and come up with words together. hahaha. FUN.

The English Speech Competition was alright. I did my script last minute, entitled "Two Worlds, Same World". (Pamela's sister liked it. She was one of the judges.) Might post it in the next post. I got first. (hehe) For the Seniors'. My class did pretty well. We got the 1st, 2nd and 3rd! Jew Chung took 2nd, Brenner took 3rd. Go SS3B '08! We did well during the Chinese one too. 1st by Jew Chung, then Jia Ying got 3rd and 4th by Wendy!

Oh, during assembly on Monday. We, seniors had to attend this talk by a lady from West Malaysia. The talk is basically about learning to love life. A sad tragedy that went right. Might share about it soon enough. I was .. touched. The title of her talk - Huo Zhe Zhen Hao! - roughly translated, Living's Great! Inspriational sums how the talk is. Organized by I-youth from West Malaysia, who last year conducted a Anti-drugs talk at our school that was equally GREAT!

School is basically the centre of my life so far. I revolve around it day in day out. Homework. Revision. Copying notes missed. Studying. Trying to study. Math tuition. Remedial tuititon with Mr.Lee. Extra lessons in school. School activities. My last year.

The next post, about the week, spotlight away from school. =)

Swam!

2008-04-05T02:06:00.004+10:30

I..

SWIM!
SWAM!
SWUM!

And. I'm OVERJOYED! HAPPY. GLAD GLAD GLAD! OVER THE MOON AND BACK! Wheeeee~

Before any of you start thinking did I lose my marbles or something, Let me just explain. Finally, FINALLY, went swimming today after endless cravings of wanting to swim, endless whining to myself and my softpets and occasionally the few who listen. (hehe) and dreams of underwater life, I FINALLY SWAM today!! At KGS. With Ah Nee, Greg, Jiang Chee, Pamela and Therese. Oh, Ann as well. (She didn't swim though. Long story.)

Initially, with high hopes to swim, and overjoyed just looking at the blue blue pool, we (Therese, Chee and I) went to the pool, only to be told that it'd be CLOSED for cleaning until after 12. We were so disappointed! And, yes, swearing a bit. We were so determined to swim that we ended up staying there until it was noon. While waiting for time to pass by (agonizingly slow, it seems) we were at the badminton courts where initially Ah Nee, Pam, Greg and Chee was. I played badminton for really long, and have sore muscles and a bruised palm to proof the long crazy hours I played. Therese, Ann and Chee went to eat first. I played badminton like a madwoman. *grins sheepishly* Can't blame me, it has been awhile since I last played and Greg is a good player. Smack the shuttlecock like there was no tomorrow. Lol! Played Scrabble too! When the clock struck 12, we, crazy loons went SWIMMING!

I'm OVER THE MOON. It was glorious to feel the cool water (chlorinated) against my skin and the sun, warm at the same time albeit it was high in the sky at that hour. The silky smooth waters, oo, just thinking about it makes me bubbly! Chee brought this blown up dolphin that's so uber cute. We, thinking that we're tiny tots or something ALL (yes, all of us) attempted to get up and float on it, only to tip into the water like fools. hahahaha. Even so, I loved every CAREFREE minute of it! It was relaxing. Great great fun! Love them, love it all. Chee has the photos. So yeap. Oh, we showered at the golfer's showers. Luxurious showering, hahaha.

Oh. Unlucky me was HIT in the face (not entirely) by Therese with a badminton racket just as she was about to serve or was it when she got the shuttlecock? Can't remember. Anyways, my left brow is bruised and swollen now. (Oh, the sight of it is not hideous or disfiguring, if you're wondering.) I teared up out of pure reflexes. Damn, it hurt. DOWNRIGHT HURT. Ah wells, I'm a hazard to myself.

Ended up eating in town at Pizza Hut. Full. Headed to tuition after being at home for awhile. Tuition's just tuition, lol. Got home, washed my clothes. Had yummy guavas. No, I didn't eat dinner, too full. Oh, by the way, I'm currently ADDICTED to the game I "bluetoothed" from Andy's cell. Animal Land!! (hehe, will post about it tomorrow?) Played a game of Scrabble with mummy just now. She's a pro.. as always.

For now, I'd best hit the sacks. (I'm SORE all over! And, SUNBURNT, for that matter, bleh! And the brow throbs time to time, it's giving me a headache) Scrabble competition tomorrow! I don't want to lose to Amy!! (Kiasu! Amy's nice, it's just I tend to get competitive. She's a rival, good one of course.) Toodles!

Time to for me to spread my fins! *grins*

About The Week, So Far

2008-04-05T01:10:00.007+10:30

Been intending to blog all this week, happens that I'd have something up and can't find the time to actually do so. I tend to take some time to draft it out. Actually, it's more of taking time to get online and actually post anything. Thanks to my horrid connection here. The myriad times it disconnects my MSN is enough to drive me up the wall.

This week (so far) at school was alright. Well, things worth posting up are just now, not really that important, lol. Because, I don't really want to give a blow by blow account on everything since Monday. It'd be too tedious. Then again, maybe a few highlights? On Monday, it was the Seniors who have to attend assembly. Okay, assembly was never a favourite for me. I'm either too sleepy or just drifting away. Else, listen to Therese or Fang Joo talking to me. Assembly was predictable, as usual. If it's too nosiy, the deans and teachers won't be too glad and would go on lecturing all of us.

Anyways, my batch were given money for our academic performance in SPM 2007. Accordingly, we were the best year so far. With unexpectedly good results as most teachers thought my batch were well, too playful and what not. Amy got really good results (Not surprised) and a few others, can't really remember who did. About 48 of us, I think? I got awarded thirty ringgit for my mediorce results. Yes, finally, I'm coming clean to admit, I only got a measly number of 3As and everything in between except failing. (Need I say more?) I feel well, embarrassed, even guilty for accepting it. Perhaps it's a small sum to some, but to me, it's still quite alot. I feel bad for accepting it because I believe I performed badly and just don't deserve it. Mr.Chou, I'm really sorry for accepting your money. I didn't do well, yet I was awarded it, I don't think I deserve it, to compensate I'd do my very very best in October. I promise.

This is a closeup. And yes, that's my chinese name.

What was in it, initially. Hehe. Had to collect our money.

Had tests on Tuesday and Wednesday. Bm and Chemistry on Tuesday. Forgot what was on Wednesday. See, my brain fails me at times. I think it was Chinese. Extra lessons in the afternoon on Monday, Chemistry. Ms. Lee's so dedicated, HANDS DOWN! Hope I won't disappoint her in October. Tuesday was Maths'. Didn't go for extra remedial that Mr. Lee insists I go on Tuesday night, had drama practice and I didn't want to let them down, so yea.. Guess it's alright if people critisize me for not prioritizing my affairs. Oh, before I forget! There's something I wanted to say. The school banned us wearing sweaters/jackets etc. Ridiculous, no? Then again, I'd shut up for now. Will talk about it, and elaborate further.. soon.

Drama practices on Monday and Tuesday nights. We've been working hard on our mime. Three cheers for the younger ones in my group! So proud of everyone of them! They are so co-operative and I know I may be so constant and insistent on the details I want. Michelle helped of course. And Karen LiJong and Sheryl are awesome!! I love you all of every single effort! I'm so excited and AMBITIOUS that we finish the whole choreography and fluent with it, hopefully by next practice on Monday!

Went to see Therese drive on Thursday. Not bad driver! Too bad, she didn't pass. Oh wells. I've been so unfortunate, okay? Orange hurt my baby toe by somewhat pressing his chair on it while fooling around. Sighs. Oh wellls. Lazy to remember now.

Weekends

2008-03-31T02:20:00.004+10:30

T.G.F.W!

Saturday classes are always a breeze! Lessons move along so fast without fail all the time. It's not draggy and all. Anyways, my Chinese teacher told us stories for the whole period (maybe, I'd post something on it soon) just because she intended to wake us up after being so disappointed with our results for the test we took earlier in the week. I'm not proud of how I did, I know I didn't really remember the translations for most of it. I did my paper though. Even so, I still need to pull up my socks. Which reminds me, that's something I always do literally, haha. I tend to wear short ones, too comfy for me to trade them in for those horrid long ones.

My weekend was kinda unfortunate. First of, I got whacked in the face by Mr.Lee, well known as Hong Chong. Before anyone of you start gasping and jumping into conclusion at how MEAN Mr.Lee was to me that he slaps me, let me explain. He was changing our seats. And, for those who know him, he is a man of HUGE HAND GESTURES and body language. So, unlucky teddy happened to be behind him when he was gesturing and "WHAM" I got whacked on the left side of my face. HURTS, alright? My left eye teared up and my classmates were like "OMG!". I was embarrassed, okay? VERY embarrassed for that matter. My face was a tad swollen. He apologised of course. Then, during Leo activities, Nathan that kid, kicked me in the shins unintentionally. In the evening, I knocked into the dining table at home. At the restaurant, I tripped but didn't fall, thank goodness. And just now, during dinner at Secret Garden, the waiter whacked my head (unintentionally, of course) with his tray after serving daddy's potato salad. Me and my unfortunate events. Lemony Snicket, need you more inspirations??!

Grandma (mummy's mummy, hehe) turned 76 yesterday on the 29th of March 2008. Yea. I took a few photos. After mummy picked me up from school, we went to wecare to buy a few slices of cakes, because we knew so very well that grandma can't even finish one slice. O_o Took a few pictures. Will display them as follows. My skills need to be polished. Some of the photos sucks. Sighs. We picked ah ma up around 1700, the roads at Padungan were already congested with the "Ngai Sin" thingy. Bought grandpa dinner. Went for dinner with the family at Shuang Teeng at RH Plaza. It feels kind of empty, the tables. Adrian's in Perth, Audrey in Shah Alam. It feels like the family is getting smaller. Dinner was the usual. Pictures below. Didn't eat much, no appetite. The usual load of dishes. Chinese dinners, so you know.

After dinner, we stopped by our "old" house at Nanas Road, my childhood home, to see my aunt , my ji gou (daddy's 2nd elder sister) She was admitted to the hospital earlier in the week. Seeing her so weak and the state of my old home (due to a few reasons, I can' say why) my heart aches so badly to see her that way. Life's so fragile. I wish I could do more than just ask her how is she feeling and hold her hand. Humans, sometimes, we take things for-granted. Times like this, I wish I have healing powers, wish I have genes as those of Heroes. Wishful thinking, useless.

Sunday was spent bumming around. *Tsks at self* I should be hung upside down and shook some sense in my thick head. EXAMS, JOVINA!! Sighs. Went for mass. Dinner was fun, aside from being whacked in the head with a tray by the waiter. Cousin came along with us for mass and all. When nana's around, and me, the other nana's around, it equals fun. hehe.

A week ahead. Let me hurl myself. I'd remember my safety gear, so fret not!

Friday

2008-03-31T02:12:00.004+10:30

(The bug of the posting frenzy has bitten me. I've been itching to post again. Lord knows why. The need to switch on the PC and just type. Hence, might be posting more.)

Shower. Mull. Wash up the uniform. Wrung it dry. Hang them. Feel the breeze. Look up the skies. GREY ones. Anticipation, baby. Lisps to self, RAIN. RAIN. RAIN.

Got back from driving lessons awhile ago. I'm driving, yes. Changing gears. Clutch. Slamming brakes. Stepping on the accelerator. Clutch. Brake. Signal. Glance at the rearview mirror. Turning on the song louder. Actually, it's like this out of one's body experience. I know I'm driving, but I'm not there, wholly. My mind was cluttered with this, that and what not. Don't worry. I was focused. The only thing that I tend to forget is that by gear 1 and gear 2, one MUST NOT EVER lift one's foot of the clutch ENTIRELY but slowly. I love gear 3 and 4! My favorite - Gear 4! Ah wells, the engine didn't stall on me today. It just went like a race horse or as my driving instructor would say in Teochew. And, I steer like a maniac. Yes, I just LOVE to drive too close to the side of the road. (Note my sarcasm) My instructor asked me - Are you ok? Of course, I shrugged and said yes. Horrible inconsiderate old men who drive ugly Mercedes, bless your soul. I was cynical enough to laugh when my engine stalled so damn near your car, just because you were too impatient and cut through my lane just as I was moving and made me slam on my brakes. I didn't swear, so I'm not mean. Enough about driving. I'm itching to drive now. Oh yea, I've been told my driving skills aren't too bad. Just that, I have a tendency to SPEED. Can't blame me. I can't stand going at 40km/h. It's just torture.

Today. School was school, if anyone is to ask me how it is. There was an I.T test. I didn't know about it until I reached school. O_o I was so lazy to even actually study for it. It's during the last period. Ah wells. Was totally clueless at what to write. So, I so-called "DARINGLY" left it blank and just did the objectives and that's when my eyes started to droop dangerously close. Ended up, jolting (not that sudden, of course. Else, I'd make a fool out of myself.) because the dreams were there. What am I doing?

Tuition. Ah, maths. You're EVIL to the capital E. I'm trying to love you. So, try, won't you to love me too?

(The above was written on Friday. Apparently, it wasn't saved, so hence. It's repeated here. I copied paste. haha.)

It's Back

2008-03-28T02:13:00.006+10:30

Woke up just now around 18.23pm.

Totally disoriented. How did I ended up on my bed? In this comfy big tee and asleep diagonally on my bed with my garfield clenched? Oh, right. I feel asleep for the umpteenth time this few weeks on my homework after getting back from school, showering and doing my laundry in the afternoon. Stupid. No wonder mummy's unhappy about the whole habit because it'd be dinner time by then, and I won't have done my chores. And for the many times lately, miss dinner. Yes, perhaps to some, dinner time isn't that important. To my family, it's family time. Whether you want to eat or not, sitting at the dining table - A MUST. I try my very best to be there at times. But, technically my shell of a body's there, my mind miles away.

I can't help it. I can't sleep at night. So sue me. Nocturnal. You ask me why? Like I'd know.

Woke up with this ache in my chest. This empty void. Felt like I was devoid of hope. This emptiness that I held so close at times because it was all I could grasp on. Head swimming with scenes from the dreams. Heart racing. Pulse quick. Hyperventilating? I don't know. All I know is I felt scared. SCARED out of my wits. I didn't know they'd come back, more intense than before. I was caught off guard. The feelings were so real. The emotions so intense. I felt like I was running for miles. I didn't sweat though. My palms were icy. (Not like they are always warm, apparently) Why? I thought they'd torment at night. Now, everytime I close my eyes?

It's back.

Those dreams. Vivid. Emotion-filled. Draining.

Just For You

2008-03-28T01:42:00.009+10:30

This is for you, Tia. (a.ka. Athena Chai Ning)

Time flies.

I want to just turn back time, even if it's for awhile. Where it was simplier. To when I see you everyday. When we argue over the silliest things everyday. Calling each other silly names. Doing stupid things. It's another year. And once again, it's the day you were borned, your birthday. I wrote that below last year, and just for memories sake, I'd post it below. I can't seem to write something to express what I feel inside, words fail me at times. I hope the below suffices.

"28th March 2007.
seventeen years ago, you were born.

i wasn't there when you were born though.

i was still in my mum's womb.

you were your daddy's joy then and still are now.

the apple in his eye, his pride and joy.

daddy's baby girl.

never did we knew we'd be friends.

nor did the thought of being close friends beyond understanding did cross our minds.
remember that day, more than nine years ago?

i turn around, look in your eyes and said the first words to you.

lame as it is, hey, you speak english? (i still chuckle remembering) that was the start of everything. talks over the phones (so long!),

funny silly carefree comments (so silly to know),

exchanged lunches, recesses together,

stubborn fights, sleepovers, movies together,

going about town, mcd sundaes,

nights outside your house watching stars (think cadbury, red wine!),

notes passed during class, silly things,

accessories, cartoons drawn, books borrowed and lent.

your family nearly like mine, mine likes yours.

so many memories.. knowing you since we were both eight.

so many similar traits.

you're like me, part of me.

and sometimes, it hurts to miss you. especially when u jet off to shangai to be with your daddy.. oh wells.
we outgrew the bestest-best friend i think. hehehe.

not being in the same school, gets sad at times.

anyhoo, it's a happy day, no sad things.

just to celebrate your special day. (we still can't drive! darn) wish i could just sprout wings and fly there!
your love for fashion, my love for science.

sharing same loves of chocolates, milk, BOOKS!, music, COLORS!, photography, movies!,pon and zi!

soo many things, huh?

love you for everything.

your flaws, your headstrong self that drives me bonkers.

your stubborness! your smile that makes me feel so loved.

everything!

missing you now.
it's your birthday. this one's for you.. "

Happy 18th Birthday, baby girl. For now, this post will have to suffice. And the promise of driving over would be on hold. (Drat that L license.) Many happy returns of this happy day. I intended to write this after midnight. But then, it seems not meant to be. School tomorrow. Ah wells. Hugs, kisses, buckets of love and what not for you..

Clean Slate

2008-03-12T18:53:00.004+10:30

It's been awhile since I blogged. The old blogspot is practically decaying. My multiply hasn't been updated since January, I think. This is just one of my many impulses. The creation of this blog, an impulse, yes. But more perhaps, it's just the inner me, wanting a new slate, to want for a new place, a new beginning. (A bit late, perhaps, seeing that's it's well into the 3rd month of 2008. Ah wells, I've always been slow. *chuckles*)

Just an opening post for this new-born blog of mine. Hopefully, this time around, I'd be a tending gardener to this little eden of mine. hehe. To sum up this few weeks since the clock struck midnight, signifying a new year, I posted this favourite picture of mine below to answer. It holds both positivity and negativism. What do you think?

I need space to breathe.

To recuperate. To heal. To grow.