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Give Me Strength
Murderous.
Back pain and cramps hand in hand.
Back pain that literally hurts so badly. Long day. Eventhough work is now half day, still tired after nearly 4 hours of work. His way of assuring me how patient I can be. Not testing my patience, just assuring me that way. I believe. Work is alright. Kids always have a way to make me smile as feisty or naughty they can be. So cute when they get all sorry (I believe they know they have such powers) and all sweet looking that I just sigh. Yes, they keep going on and on calling - MS JO.. Kids. *smiles* Workplace is nice. But, I'm trying to get used to things.. So yea.
Just got back from YG. S.S Empowered, Worship. *smiles* Great as usual. Led by Him. Showered with blessings. Attended mass before I attended YG. It rained, soothed. *smiles* Chu shared, Karen shared.. Assurance. (Seems like a word I used alot lately) Sheryl, thank you so very much, for just being you, for the hand on my lap, the squeeze when you held my fingers. I can't thank you more but I thank Him so much for you. Dearest, thanks.. for the prayers, I know you care, that suffices really. Tiffy as usual was very sweet to care. Ju's back from Aus, that girl, so cute. Haven't seen her in ages. Another night where I get questions lined up. Thinking cap where art thou? Lots of questions in my head now. Getting a headache. Embarrassed with myself actually. Suddenly, halfway through, just overwhelmed. And my back hurt so badly. I loathe my effing mocking tears. Vulnerability.
Physical pain, I can bear. I can put up with it. Nothing new. But this ache as days pass.. I can't really bear it. The days are alright. But come night.. I can't hold up just as well. The dreams. The intense emotions. The questions. The doubts. The pain. (Ah, eff it if anyone thinks I'm losing my marbles and getting emo just for the heck of it. It's not a freaking fad okay? It's human. It's how we are. So eff. We all have feelings. Don't stereotype, thank you.) It gets so suffocating at times. When I get up, (reluctantly mostly) I'd feel devoid of feelings that are positive. There is just this gaping black void. The emotions from dreams not of mine lingers. It drains.. It sometimes, takes control of me. That's how weak I am, mentally, spiritually.
When I jolted up early this morning today, the wee hours as usual from one of those dreams,(one time too many during my sleep), drenched with sweat, gripped with fear, anger, hurt, sorrow. And the worst one, HATE. Hate that I don't understand. Hate that was coursing through my veins that didn't belong to me. My pillow, wet with tears that were shed not on my own accord. My limbs cold but shaking as if they really were part of those whose lives I was living in those moments during the dreams.. I was disoriented. I was scared. I was pleading on Him to give me a sign. I sat up. While I did so, I knocked my bible off my bed. I reached down and held it in my hands. It was warm. Flipped it open.. and reassurance He gives. I was not alone.. I never am. Tears came, happy ones. Peace envelopes. Here's what He showed me..
Give me strength.. They say, ask and you shall receive. I'm asking. Give me strength. I need sleep. I need to understand. If you will it, let me understand. I need You so. Give me strength. Help me let go and just let you guide me. Ease this pain, the physical one, and especially the ache in my heart I feel so much lately. Take care of them, those I love so very much, those I just can't bear to leave, please. I can't just do this. Give me the strength to let go. To trust you. To leave them in Your Loving Arms. I need You. Give me strength. Be my shelter. Be my refuge. Be my strength. I'm asking now, as your daughter.
I falter. I need peace.
He comes. He reassures. He carries me.
Back pain and cramps hand in hand.
Back pain that literally hurts so badly. Long day. Eventhough work is now half day, still tired after nearly 4 hours of work. His way of assuring me how patient I can be. Not testing my patience, just assuring me that way. I believe. Work is alright. Kids always have a way to make me smile as feisty or naughty they can be. So cute when they get all sorry (I believe they know they have such powers) and all sweet looking that I just sigh. Yes, they keep going on and on calling - MS JO.. Kids. *smiles* Workplace is nice. But, I'm trying to get used to things.. So yea.
Just got back from YG. S.S Empowered, Worship. *smiles* Great as usual. Led by Him. Showered with blessings. Attended mass before I attended YG. It rained, soothed. *smiles* Chu shared, Karen shared.. Assurance. (Seems like a word I used alot lately) Sheryl, thank you so very much, for just being you, for the hand on my lap, the squeeze when you held my fingers. I can't thank you more but I thank Him so much for you. Dearest, thanks.. for the prayers, I know you care, that suffices really. Tiffy as usual was very sweet to care. Ju's back from Aus, that girl, so cute. Haven't seen her in ages. Another night where I get questions lined up. Thinking cap where art thou? Lots of questions in my head now. Getting a headache. Embarrassed with myself actually. Suddenly, halfway through, just overwhelmed. And my back hurt so badly. I loathe my effing mocking tears. Vulnerability.
Physical pain, I can bear. I can put up with it. Nothing new. But this ache as days pass.. I can't really bear it. The days are alright. But come night.. I can't hold up just as well. The dreams. The intense emotions. The questions. The doubts. The pain. (Ah, eff it if anyone thinks I'm losing my marbles and getting emo just for the heck of it. It's not a freaking fad okay? It's human. It's how we are. So eff. We all have feelings. Don't stereotype, thank you.) It gets so suffocating at times. When I get up, (reluctantly mostly) I'd feel devoid of feelings that are positive. There is just this gaping black void. The emotions from dreams not of mine lingers. It drains.. It sometimes, takes control of me. That's how weak I am, mentally, spiritually.
When I jolted up early this morning today, the wee hours as usual from one of those dreams,(one time too many during my sleep), drenched with sweat, gripped with fear, anger, hurt, sorrow. And the worst one, HATE. Hate that I don't understand. Hate that was coursing through my veins that didn't belong to me. My pillow, wet with tears that were shed not on my own accord. My limbs cold but shaking as if they really were part of those whose lives I was living in those moments during the dreams.. I was disoriented. I was scared. I was pleading on Him to give me a sign. I sat up. While I did so, I knocked my bible off my bed. I reached down and held it in my hands. It was warm. Flipped it open.. and reassurance He gives. I was not alone.. I never am. Tears came, happy ones. Peace envelopes. Here's what He showed me..
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the Everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and strengthens the powerless. Even youths will faint and be weary, and the young will fall exhausted; but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount out with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:28-31
Give me strength.. They say, ask and you shall receive. I'm asking. Give me strength. I need sleep. I need to understand. If you will it, let me understand. I need You so. Give me strength. Help me let go and just let you guide me. Ease this pain, the physical one, and especially the ache in my heart I feel so much lately. Take care of them, those I love so very much, those I just can't bear to leave, please. I can't just do this. Give me the strength to let go. To trust you. To leave them in Your Loving Arms. I need You. Give me strength. Be my shelter. Be my refuge. Be my strength. I'm asking now, as your daughter.
I falter. I need peace.
He comes. He reassures. He carries me.
Trusting even when it appears you have been forsaken; praying when it seems your words are simply entering a vast expanse where no one hears and no voice answers; believing that God's love is complete and that He is aware of your circumstances even when your world seems to grind on as if setting its own direction and not caring for live or moving one inch in response to your petitions; desiring only what God's hands have planned for you; waiting patiently while seemingly starving to death, with your only fear being that your faith might fail - "this is the victory that has overcome the world"; this is genuine faith indeed.
- George MacDonald
*hug*
Thanks, Sheryl.. I needed that reassurance. And as always, you're there. I can't thank you more.
Sze Howe, what can I say. You're missed and thank you so much. Feel the care all the way from Aus!