Yes.

They spin. They creak. They groan, but yes, they do spin, with reluctance and before you can blink, they just go on and you just can't keep up.

No, I did not get a new clock.

It is just my mind. It has been spinning alot of the late.

I always thought that a sufficient dose of stress is healthy. And perhaps, I have been justifying the long hours I picked for work, the amount of work I force myself to do, household chores I find myself to do, as necessary, vital, essential to get past the day.

Albeit so, I find myself slowing down even when I am walking down the street, running to catch my bus to work or to classes or to get home. I am not making sense, am I? Slowing down not in my stride, but in my mind.. I find myself on the bus thinking endless questions. Endless possibilities. In short, thinking about endless "what ifs". I yearn to zero into the blur vision in my mind's eye of the ever-changing future. To find the answers, to give myself a stable platform I can stand as I pluck up the courage to take a plunge down head long into unknown territories.


Sometimes, I wish I just did not know the mechanisms of things. How it works. How it will react if it were to be tested. How it will end.. Perhaps, sometimes, I just need the clockworks to just.. stop. To freeze. To let time still.

And, perhaps, just perhaps, I would emerge at peace to say "Come what may.. "

... of being homesick and putting on Bloo on self timer mode. The three above are among the selected few that I decided to post up, yes, I took quite a few, especially that of me and that silly "Happy Chinese New Year 2009, love teddy" sign. >< Well, just so you know, we had a "better" than usual dinner (which really isn't much difference really) on New Years Eve, and yea, that's pretty much it, and as extravagant as it gets. I spent my first day of Chinese New Year, doing breakfast and dinner kitchen duty, so that's just how it was.

Anyways, a picture just to let my loved ones know, that I'm fine, I'll be fine and to rest assured that I'm doing alright. (don't mind the lousy background, didn't realize until I uploaded it from Bloo too Gerard) Yes, I actually bothered to put on my red cheongsam top just to get myself in the mood. It's was Australia Day, on Chinese New Year though.

Happy Lunar New Year 2009 all =] Much love.

P.s Teddy misses home, still.

Sitting here, staring at this screen, thinking. Tired. Just tired of everything. Yearning to not have to shoulder responsibilities. Yearning not to have emotions so that everything does not get to oneself. Yearning to be home, all this one thinking how one has taking things for-granted. Yearning to be at the many "omg-let-me-go-home" dinners. Work is the escape, studies yet another to bury myself. Materialism, how it overtakes my purposes. How it really takes me by the hand and it's all that drives me. Time, funny how it slows and speeds up like it's nobody's business. Learning, yet never seem to learn. Yearning to run, puts foot in front of the other only to trip and fall. The effing irony of it.

The many times one thinks of the choices and decisions made. The road taken. The many "what ifs" asked. Would it have really been better? Would it be different? Would I have been happier? Is it for the better? Is it just for now, these emotions, these times?

Yet another rambling that goes nowhere and leaves me frustrated.

Carry me, because I know all I need is You.

Back.

Been work swapped. Juggling kitchen duty, Woolridges, time on the phone with loved ones. Been taxed physically, emotionally and yes, financially. The bloody internet has been down and hence the absence. Managed to get it working, so will be updating more.

Chinese New Year Eve.

Not home. Faraway. Disconnected. Lost. Confined.

Bloody friggin homesick. Freaking frustrated.

HOMESICK. (Whiny? Just for this post.)

Missing home.. More than ever. Missing loved ones. Period. Permit me a few minutes to say this - I want to go home. There. Said it.

That'll suffice. For now.

30 days.

Wow. 30 days. Time streaked past.

In this period of time, short as it is, how much have I achieved? Looking back, it seems so long ago that I turn my back and pulled my luggage and walked that stretch of "road" to get to my departure gate, Gate 9, bawling my way there. Meeting nice people along the way, the Singaporean actors at KIA, the nice China ground assistant staff at SIA. The nice Australian next to me on the 7 hour flight.

What have I achieved?






Carried a koala. Fed kangaroos, wallabies. Saw wombats, penguins (in such a dry state), Kookabaru, Albino Peacock, Panther. Petted a baby goat, a doe, kangaroo with the joey in the pouch. Tried Ash Goat Cheese, Cream cheese, Goat milk cheese, Real cheddar (Adventurous of me eh?). Have freshly made dark chocolate melt in the mouth. Saw Adelaide at the highest point, at Mount Lofty. Strolled down the quaint rows of shops in Handorf. Took the wrong bus after being to Ikea, went to Glenelg due to that wrong bus. Had strong cold dry winds blown in my face. Shivered when the sweater was not thick enough. Walked the corridors of the University of Adelaide. Visited the Spencer Wing. Walked the State's Library and Post Office.

Research on equipments for the aged. Learned Referencing. Learned to make unoccupied and occupied beds. Clean dentures and another classmates' teeth. Had my own teeth brushed by another person. Shown how to manuover a person correctly. Taught Manual Handling. Used a lifter. Learned CPR. Learned Senior first aid. Finishing assignments before the dateline. Got used to the various accents of lecturers and classmates. Waking up for classes. Honing non-existent writing skills. Learned how to shower a person, dress them. Learned to aid them with their ADLs.

Decorated my rooms. Resorting to handwash after awhile. Took buses (Something avoided at all cost back home! Oh, the irony!) Bought things using another currency (Had to steel myself from coverting back to ringgits. Got used to the times the shops are opened (Till 1600 everyday except Friday that is till 2100. For someone who have shopping malls opened till midnight back home, and have places like Xiang Xiang, I'm so NOT used to it!) Learning how to scrimp more than ever, more than back home) Learned a NEW language! (Still in progress!) Stood on my feet for nearly 8 hours at my Orientation to my work site. Had the worse first experience at a Residential Home. Had an uplifting, rejuvenating visit to a Senior Day Center in a scenic place a tad far from the city. Learned the "tricks" (better ways, no shortcuts, mind you) of the trade while at work site Orientation. Learned how to empathize correctly, healthily.

Eating meals. (Yea, very significant for me! Three meals) Got sick on the first week. Had excruxiatiing cramps (yet again). Attending mass at another church other than St.Joseph's or St.Peter's. Had blistered foot from work, walking. Spotted wild koalas and A KANGAROO at Morialta Reservoir Park right across the road of my school yesterday when John, my English lecturer decided we take a walk there. Went to the First falls.

4 paragraphs and I'm still not done. Memories are gushing at me, filling up my head. The list goes on and on.

I'm still awestruck at how much I've learned, how much I've achieved. Learned alot about people, about different cultures, about relationships, about languages, about my career. And most definitely, about myself.

Inevitably, I miss home, so much. My mummy, my daddy, that not so little brother. My grandparents. My mamak, my papak. My COUSINS! My close friends. I miss my nephew, Dylan!! I miss them so much it literally aches physically (I kid you not) I'd admit and say that the first two weeks back, especially the nights were the hardest. I even miss the food so much. Craved so much for my favorite mini foochow burgers, popiah, kway teow, fish and alot more. I miss the places I go at times, I realize I've taken forgranted the simplest things back home like having my own bathroom. Texting whenever I want back home, call when I want. Now, phone calls, MSN, emails, and texts are what that keep me sane. Lord knows how I can stand not having have to hear my parents, my nephew.. and a few close friends! I can't bear really.

Sighs.

South Australia, Adelaide. I've come to like it. I anticipate what the future, what tomorrow may brings for me. I can't say that I'm the same girl who packed her bags and left that little town a month back, I wouldn't say so. I believe, I'm different now? In a few aspects perhaps.

I still am lost, I'm still searching.

A new chapter.


A new entry.

Turn the page, won't you? I believe, it is now, pages, not just a page.

Counting today, shy of five days, I’d be here in the driest state of the driest continent of the world for nearly a month. Yes, time has once streaked past me, as always. The days have been days of lessons, new experiences and self searching. Arriving here on a blustery Monday morning and met with a 12ºC weather and strong winds that literally blew me off balance after nearly 7 hours of flight was, well, unexpected, very unexpected if I’d say so myself. Seeing Flinders Range while thousands of feet above the ground was relief. I was actually glad knowing that I’d land not long. Before the flight, during the flight, met a few people, even actors. (Another story for another day, I believe. Hehe) The flight was emotional draining. I cried like some blubbering fool from the departure gate in KIA until I was well above the night skies. It was hard. Leaving home, leaving things behind. Funny, now when I think back on it, I find myself aching so much yet glad that I’m doing my best to look forward now. When I reached here, I went to my room, (fondly referred to know as my abode, for me the hermit) with Gerard in a backpack, two luggage and two boxes on my floor of my room strewn, it was just overwhelming. I had to sit down on the floor and take a few deep breaths, yes, I was that distraught. Now, it’s a place where I come back to and yea, practically spend most of my time in.

Days past, got used to the UNPREDICTABLE weather, the people, the mealtimes, the meals (yes, I eat and I’m missing food back home! Sighs.), lessons, sleeping times (still can’t sleep as much as I like), the place, the culture, using the currency (I do covert, rule number one, never covert all the time, else you’d be spending time counting more in your head than actually buying anything). Orientation was very educational and helpful, learned a lot of things of this place that I’ve come to like, the somewhat laidback feeling I find comfortable. I learned how to do A LOT of things I won’t be bothered to do back home, for example, BANKING (those that know me know how I can’t stand the whole hassle, but alas, I have to do it here myself, lessons, lessons, inevitable) and TAKING THE BUS! (Still not very used to the system, but hey, I’m getting there, give me time, I’ve been here for less than a month, cut me slack!) Those two are but a few things I’ve come to do myself.

Friends, yes, I’ve found a few. Quite a few I’d say. My batch, C9 is but a batch so varied in age, religion, race, culture. How so one asks? Well, we come from four different countries - China, Malaysia, The Philippines and Poland. A quick run through, Susie and Jackie are from China. Jovylyn, Romar, Laarni, Johnry, Michelle (the last three are cousins) are from the Philippines. Aga (her real name is really hard to spell and pronounce, so Aga it is) is from Poland. Last but not least, us, Malaysians, we are all Sarawakians (Yay! The Land of the Hornbills!) just that we’re all from different towns. Jeffrey is from Sibu. Suneeta is from Miri. Yieng Hung and Allan are from Sarikei. Joyce, Marilyn and I are from Kuching! And that’s just about our nationalities. (Perhaps I’d have another post just to describe them?)

Classes. What can I say? I’ve learned so much, and yes, it is not what I thought it’d be. I learned a lot about myself, my capabilities as well, and I love my classes so far. Classes are from 0900 to 1630 from Monday to Friday (except Tuesday which is until 1830, for English Class) Practical as well, I enjoy them. Tiring, but I’m amazed at how I find myself actually eager to learn. I’ve been to a few Nursing homes already, Parklyn, Aldgate Senior Day Center and today, Ananda.

So much learned in such a short span of time, that it’s mind boggling. Emotions, abundant if I’d say so myself.

A lot of things, if I were to really give a blow by blow account, that would just be too tedious for me and to be read, no?

More soon.

Teddy misses home..

And shadows fall across the sea.

One bright star in the evening sky,

Your love’s light leads me on my way.

There’s a dream that will not sleep,

A burning hope that will not die,

So, I must go now, with the wind,

And leave you waiting on the tide.

Time to fly, time to touch the sky,

One voice alone, a haunting cry.

One song, one star burning bright,

May it carry me through darkest night.

Rain comes over the gray hills,

And on the air, a soft goodbye,

Hear the song that I sing to you,

When the time has come to fly,

When I leave and take the wind,

And find the land that faith will bring,

The brightest start in the evening sky,

Is yours to find for me..

(Celtic Women - The Soft Goodbye)

*****

Celtic Women.

Celtic Women have been on replay for the whole few hours. Rain, you've just make me choke. I don't know why. The past, stop haunting me. I can't stand you. Leave me be. I want to see you, my future. You've never seem so bleak. Okay. Let's shove me a sign that say MCB, You're EMO. Then, take a photo of me in a supposed emo pose. Happy? Sighs. That was uncalled for. Even in a post, I'm so bloody rude. Ah wells. Don't tell me it's alright, I apologise.


It's still raining. Come, soothe me as you always have. I need you more than ever, rain. Assure me. You've promised. May it be. It gets hard I guess once the hours slip past you. One tries very hard. She puts on her sunny deposition and wear it like a cloak. She smiles until it sticks, bright, glaring and fake. Plastic.

I'm trying to prep myself. Updatest later on the day, or tomorrow, the latest. Promise. Mundanity, I need that.

Come, serenade me, you who promises me Everlasting Rest. Thank you for Celtic Women. Sounds weird, but they've been uplifting. Carry me tonight. Soothe my sleep. I can't stand the dreams. Only You know how I feel..

That brings me closer to that day..
(I don't count. I am reminded daily though and that hurts, literally. I kid you not.)

Where I learned what being an "adult" includes. The responsibilities.

Where I learned that it hurts to be told at the last minute about certain things.

Where I learned how much I am going to miss the little things here.

Where I learned that I can be who I am once I find her.

Where I learned that my past hurts me more than I want to admit.

Where I learned that I get affected by the smallest thing like a kitten jumping in front of me or a little child smiling from the next table gives me the warm feeling within that reassures that life, indeed is beautiful.

Where I learned how much I want to be listened to..

Where I spent just that another day with those I love as much as I can, to the fullest.

Where just a call from someone makes me smile and forget the ache.

Where I just want to turn back time so much.

Gastric. Headache.

Gerard needs his rest. I'd leave this be for now..

Cock that gun.

Hear the click.

Give me strength that I say I don't need.

Clear my thoughts.

I need to breathe.

Give me peace when I go weak.

I don't need to understand.

Just teach me to be meek.

Give me the patience that I just need.


Jovina was here, troubled and chugging away fast on the express train of her thoughts. She needs a little breather from all of this. Perhaps, it's the cramps that is murderous or the constant headache that plagues her day or the gastric that seems so normal to have. Perhaps blaming it on her anatomy shrugs off the niggling thoughts in her head and makes this emotional roller coaster sound more rational than it is. She just needs stoicism and just that little ounce more of faith. And perhaps, just more sleep. She is playing that song "Hungry" over and over again. "You Were There" comes second on her most played list. She wants a kitten.. Daddy's fishes in the aquarium are so placid that sometimes, she wishes she were a fish.. She needs not the bloody nic fixes, but she just wants so. Her blades are so cold, they seem to caress her so. She wants her Lindt chocolates, but alas, it has long been consumed by someone she calls little brother. Time, you sprint right past, she grasped so hard and try to catch you, but you,sly bugger, slipped her once more. She needs to understand herself perhaps and learn that sometimes, it's all about faith. Ah, fuck you thoughts. She resents her cussing, but there she goes again. And that reminds her of The Cranberries song. She rambles on and starts to tsk. Perhaps it's best, she tucks Gerard in. Too early in the morning, sleep where are you? She needs that little calm just a little bit more than she thinks. Perhaps a little wine would do the trick. Does she need it? Maybe so. Thinking cap, she says she wants to take you off and tuck you away, and perhaps put you back on another day. Say, maybe on that 7 hour flight across the sea. You are getting frayed, thinking cap. Best you're taken off and not worn. It's time you're put away. No more thoughts, she says. Sleep, she misses you so. Grandma, she needs your away-with-you-worries twirls and that comforting Teochew accented murmurs. Daddy above, she needs Your Perfect Strength, she needs You to be her refuge.. Mushu, she needs you silly laughs and thanks you so from the bottom of her heart for being there. Brain, she needs your rants and misses your yells, your simple thoughtfulness, your deep voice and that laugh. Dearest Pooky carer, she needs you to be alright and aches to know you haven't been well of the late. Baby, she needs your honesty and knows you're asleep as of now, she appreciates all the understanding you've given..

Sometimes, it's best one stays silent .. and listen, to others at times, to oneself. And perhaps, that one clear voice within speaks of the truth. No sugar coated lies, no fabricated truths. Just, the simple, well known truth.. that has always been there.

Indeed.

Too much to say.

Days have been mundane. Not much to highlight. Buying stationary. Buying working flats. Sleeping in the early morning and waking up not satisfied with sleep. Dreams that are draining me. Going to my aunt's place to spend time with my cousin and my aunt did facial for me, relaxing. Failing ridiculously at my craft project. Spending time with those I care for. Watching The Mummy Three with Jude and him, hahaha, ridiculous. Had my cold feet lovingly massaged. Having too much coke at night. (Yea, Jude, best you ignore my wants for having Pepsi) Rants at my dining table with Jude. Missing Sheryl. Watching movies at night with Gerard when sleep didn't come. Getting those mini foochow burgers I crave and love so much. Sent my granduncle off at the airport with my family and my little man. Which was hilarious because my little man wanted to follow my granduncle to the departure gate. Carried him and walked with Athena to the area where one can see the planes land and depart to distract him. Was struggling to carry him, yes, he is light, but it's like carrying something on you that squirms and turns while walking, tiring, okay? So much for my smart idea to do so. My arms sore from doing that. Anyways..

Went to WCO yesterday. Different this time. Haven't been to YG or WCO in a long time, four weeks I've been told. Time has been sprinting past me. This WCO is going to stay in my head for a really long time. I remember trying so hard to feel something. Peace perhaps? I know I kept saying He is my Strength, my Peace, my Calm. Too much emotions that I am numb, I can't feel. No expression of how I feel. No tears, nothing. Smile and answer questions when asked. That's what I did from the beginning of the night till the end, he then told me that I wasn't really smiling much. I don't know. Too much on my mind. Had headaches. Jude sent me back after his work, I had Big Gulp (again). And I had my nic fix on the way back. Two. When I told myself never to have another. Long night. Tried watching DVDs but me thinks Gerard disapproves, so I stared at the ceiling yet again.

Supposed to go out with Athena this morning at Starbucks before she leaves on Sunday, which is tomorrow, but she cancelled the date later during the night as I was on my way home after WCO. Upset. Then again, what can I do? I did spend time with her on Wednesday night at Isabella's and McD's. Found out things from her that well, hurts. Reminder to self - that's life. So shut it. Shut it.

Didn't go out with my parents. Didn't spend time with Adeline, my cousin at grandparents' as mum planned. Just watched rain at my window and doing my chores. Didn't do anything productive. Just this numbness that follow me. My little man, Baby Dylan came along in the afternoon. Such a little rascal. Apparently, my brother gave him this ink stamp that has a cutesy face on it. That little rascal who was supposed to be taking his nap next to daddy, took off the cover and started to stamp it all around his limbs. Talk about being artistic at a young age. In the end, daddy was tsking him all the way and trying to clean him. Hilarious as he looked as though someone used permanent blue eye liner on him, lol! Brought him back next door, his grandma who is my aunt stays there, so yea. That little rascal..

The above was written before I went out earlier in the evening. Got back around 2230 from dinner with family, the extended one, mum's side. Dinner is yet another necessity for most Chinese families. Conversations ranges from politics, to my studies, to the place where I'm going, to Audrey's studies, to religion.. And sometimes, I just have this awkward feeling when they have a go at my plans and what not. Shrug it off. As I always do. Full course Chinese dinner. So full. And everyone kept commenting on how skinny I looked since the last dinner, which was a drag. Because, hello, I'm NOT SKINNY!!! Jude came by to pass me my purse, I left it in his car. (Yes, super absentminded of me) got me a chocolate sundae and Big Gulp, (again!) We went out at 2300 to get some munchies, because I want Jude to eat. (No, I'm not thinking of fattening you, you skinny dude, just want to see you eat) Felt kind of uncomfortable buying the munchies in my dress. Ranted at my dining table again.. Stole a few songs from his Gina. Then, he went back while ago as I nagged (those of you who know how much I nag, hehe), and I'm now.. here, still in the dress I wore for dinner, typing away. (I know I'm lazy)

Might try to sleep. I think I should watch Narnia again. Mr. Tumnus! Parents want to head out earlier later on in the day. Grocery shopping and buying some other things that are not bought yet. Don't know how to express myself of the late. Words, you have fail me again. Or maybe, I'm using this as an excuse. I'm trying now.

But I promise, no matter what, I'm smiling..

OMG!!!!!!!



I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! I WANT!

*resumes calm cool collected I-don't-care composure*

That, people, is the book J.K Rowling penned! The title is.. *brace yourselves* "The Tales of Beedle the Bard". I know, great marketing product. She has millions already. I'm a hopeless fan of her books. So there. I want!!! Sadly, I don't think it's here. I know it's out in the U.S already. For those who don't know, it's a book she mentioned in her last installment of the Harry Potter books, which is Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows. That book is like children books, something like fairytales and what not.

This is a WANT. Not a need. Anyways, I WANT!!!

The vegesaurus wants to go SHOPPING!! SHOES!

Blink blink blink. Click click.

Typing in the dark.

Yesterday. Dilly-dally-ed the day. Chores. Text Sheryl and him. Gastric. Headache.
And of course, in the afternoon. Waited for Jude for hours. When we finally headed out, we were just as indecisive. Thanks Jude. I needed the company. And the addictive rabbit milk chewy sweets. Thank you for the computer tips, lol! Thank you for actually eating! For bringing me to mass. For supper and being so relenting. For letting me pester you to talk. For letting me talk your ears off and tease you beyond anything. And just for being you. Thank you. =]

Early morning. *smiles* I needed the reassurance. I needed the affirmation. I needed the confirmation. I needed the truth albeit I can't deny it hurts badly to know. I needed to know how you feel. I needed the time. I needed the touch. I needed to give myself this picture to match the one I believe in. I needed to be selfish for once and keep you up again even though I'm the one with insomnia. I needed to hear you tell me things that I know and don't know about. I needed to just hear it from you even I'd rather talk to you in person. Screw technology, I like it, but I don't like it. I needed to be.. in your words - manja. I needed to just be insufferable and piss you off. I just.. need to. I need to feel the ache more now, because that is much of what I have. I don't understand myself either. I was affirmed but it hurts. I can't cry. So fuck tears. Bittersweet. Enough said.

Slept for a few hours. Fuck them dreams. I'm tired emotionally of them. So FUCK it. I'm tired that they can actually monopolize things. I'm tired that they can actually dominate my emotions. I woke up. Had enough. Chores. Hurl what I ate, what's new? Gastric. Checked mail. Keyed in TRN number, visa approved. *smiles* Then, errands with mummy. From running up the stairs of the department just because I don't want lose my number and holding up my jeans to getting bloody hostile attitudes from ex-masters and deans. Got my I.C. And currently, still an illegal high school dropout. They finally let me fill in the forms for the leaving procedure. It annoyed mummy because she had to stand there and was given those looks. Such a hassle. One department from another. Unnecessary much? Ah wells. Leaving cert will be taken soon, hopefully. Dark clouds. Anticipation. Called Audrey, was worried about her. That gila girl. Was laughing when I called her. Made me worried thinking she was in shock, while in fact, she is GLAD to come home and have a week break. Funny how He works. Hope to spend time with her. Miss that silly cousin. Went about finding this place to eat, just because mum thinks I'm too skinny, right. *sorry, I can't help rolling my eyes* Ended at Jade Pot, again, was there yesterday with Jude. Got home. Then, I fell asleep on my bed as it rained. Dreams again. I woke up. Mummy came into my room.. she bent down and look at me, eye level. She said I look like a sad kitten on my bed. Curled up and eyes shiny. Didn't have dinner. Went out after watching this drama series with mummy. Shops were closing. But there were nice IT technicians who smiled and were helpful. Bless your souls. So managed to see the Dell Inspron 1420, vibrant colors. Love it. We'd scout tomorrow, daddy says. Going shopping tomorrow, mummy and me. I need more time. I just want some more time, damn it. I miss Sheryl..

Shoot me. I want to cry.

While he wishes he, could escape this.
It all seems so contagious,
Not to be yourself and faceless..
In a song that has no soul.

How I feel?

Tired. Lethargic. Slept from the early morning until the late afternoon today. Fever came back. Delirious.

Saturday. Spent time with Melissa. She invited me to dinner. I, now, miss her. Her family was as usual, lol! Her brothers. Lol!! She's infectious with her bubbly exterior, as she always does. Thanks to Sheryl and him for spending time with her as well. Feelings aside, it was just really pleasant. There was the blackout throughout the city. It was beautiful albeit a bit chaotic. The stars were beautiful..

Sunday, was spent getting things. Got my external hard disk. And waiting for my laptop to be shipped here soon. Dell Vostro 1300. Might type the specs here soon? Got my luggage. It looks big, but I doubt it'd be enough. Spent time with Sheryl and him. *smiles* Picked Anne up at the airport as well. Dreams.

Yesterday, did my urine test, didn't do it last Friday, due to certain reasons. Believe my medical forms are being courier over right now as I type. So crossing fingers about my visa being approved asap. Mum took time off to bring me to Dr. Kho's. She brought me to Causeway for dim sum, again. Then, I did chores. had Sheryl came by and went to get certain things for a certain project. *smiles* Watched her had lunch. And now, I'm craving foochow burgers again, and that fish pork siew mai. DIE! Anyways, she dropped by after work again, to talk. Thank Him for times as such. Listening to her talk with me on the floor with my chow chow. Comfort. Hope I was much comfort to her though.

Last night. Those dreams again. And dreams of my own. I didn't like them. Woke up with my pillow wet. At least, I had my chow chow. Was trying so hard not to call him and her. The details still vivid in mind. Managed to sleep again, but then, had another. Which was worse. It hurt, literally. So much for that. It darken the day. But I was shrugging things off. Or I tried.

Now. I'm numb.

I miss Brain.

How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the sand on the shore.
But every time You've taken me back,
And now, I pray You do it once more.

Please take from me my life,
When I don't have the strength
To give it to You.

And how many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the stars in the sky.
But every time, You've taken me back,
And now, I pray You do it tonight..

Please.
TAKE FROM ME MY LIFE.
Guide me. HOLD ME.
I don't have the strength to give my life to You.
I don't have the strength to do what You've planned.
I don't have the strength to leave.
I don't have the strength to bear my cramps.
I don't have the strength to put up with pain physically, emotionally.
I don't have the strength to just leave it in Your hands.
I really can't.
I need Your Love, I want to trust You.

What ifs.

Too many of them.

Give me a box.

I want to lock them and hurl them to the sea.

Maybe.. they will leave me alone.

Being rational would be then alien.

Idealism, I missed you.

Where's my Marshmallow Land?

Do You Want to be Healed?

‏It seems like such a ridiculous question. Of course, I want to be healed! But, then, I knew, in the way you know, what He meant.

Was I willing to do the hard work of facing painful situations, of uncovering bitterness and admitting to deep, resentful anger? Was I willing to give up my stubborn excuses that allowed me to stay the same, somehow seeing my weakness and vulnerabilities.

Was I willing to give up control, let God be God, and admit that I can’t, but he can – or would I rather insist that I can, even though I can’t, holding myself in a cycle of helplessness and hopelessness?

By the pool at Sheep Gate, Jesus asked an invalid of 38 years: “Do you want to be healed?” and his question swept through the man, swept through 2,000 years, and swept into the shadows of my soul.

“Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me …”

But there stood the Great Healer holding out help, acutely aware that we can’t, but God can, knowing this to be true because he was walking toward the only way to recreate us whole and healthy. He was on the road to Calvary.

The question lingers for you: Do you really want to be healed?

(Note: The story that inspired this in John 5:1-9.)


Have I been allowing Him to? It seems like I haven't. I keep saying He does nothing. That I can't feel Him in my life lately with so much spinning out of control. No, just, spinning out of MY control. Twisting into knots that I can't undo. Until they get undone somehow and spin off.

Let me ask myself again.

Do I really want to be heal? Would I let myself be healed? Same question.

Murderous.

Back pain and cramps hand in hand.

Back pain that literally hurts so badly. Long day. Eventhough work is now half day, still tired after nearly 4 hours of work. His way of assuring me how patient I can be. Not testing my patience, just assuring me that way. I believe. Work is alright. Kids always have a way to make me smile as feisty or naughty they can be. So cute when they get all sorry (I believe they know they have such powers) and all sweet looking that I just sigh. Yes, they keep going on and on calling - MS JO.. Kids. *smiles* Workplace is nice. But, I'm trying to get used to things.. So yea.

Just got back from YG. S.S Empowered, Worship. *smiles* Great as usual. Led by Him. Showered with blessings. Attended mass before I attended YG. It rained, soothed. *smiles* Chu shared, Karen shared.. Assurance. (Seems like a word I used alot lately) Sheryl, thank you so very much, for just being you, for the hand on my lap, the squeeze when you held my fingers. I can't thank you more but I thank Him so much for you. Dearest, thanks.. for the prayers, I know you care, that suffices really. Tiffy as usual was very sweet to care. Ju's back from Aus, that girl, so cute. Haven't seen her in ages. Another night where I get questions lined up. Thinking cap where art thou? Lots of questions in my head now. Getting a headache. Embarrassed with myself actually. Suddenly, halfway through, just overwhelmed. And my back hurt so badly. I loathe my effing mocking tears. Vulnerability.

Physical pain, I can bear. I can put up with it. Nothing new. But this ache as days pass.. I can't really bear it. The days are alright. But come night.. I can't hold up just as well. The dreams. The intense emotions. The questions. The doubts. The pain. (Ah, eff it if anyone thinks I'm losing my marbles and getting emo just for the heck of it. It's not a freaking fad okay? It's human. It's how we are. So eff. We all have feelings. Don't stereotype, thank you.) It gets so suffocating at times. When I get up, (reluctantly mostly) I'd feel devoid of feelings that are positive. There is just this gaping black void. The emotions from dreams not of mine lingers. It drains.. It sometimes, takes control of me. That's how weak I am, mentally, spiritually.

When I jolted up early this morning today, the wee hours as usual from one of those dreams,(one time too many during my sleep), drenched with sweat, gripped with fear, anger, hurt, sorrow. And the worst one, HATE. Hate that I don't understand. Hate that was coursing through my veins that didn't belong to me. My pillow, wet with tears that were shed not on my own accord. My limbs cold but shaking as if they really were part of those whose lives I was living in those moments during the dreams.. I was disoriented. I was scared. I was pleading on Him to give me a sign. I sat up. While I did so, I knocked my bible off my bed. I reached down and held it in my hands. It was warm. Flipped it open.. and reassurance He gives. I was not alone.. I never am. Tears came, happy ones. Peace envelopes. Here's what He showed me..


Give me strength.. They say, ask and you shall receive. I'm asking. Give me strength. I need sleep. I need to understand. If you will it, let me understand. I need You so. Give me strength. Help me let go and just let you guide me. Ease this pain, the physical one, and especially the ache in my heart I feel so much lately. Take care of them, those I love so very much, those I just can't bear to leave, please. I can't just do this. Give me the strength to let go. To trust you. To leave them in Your Loving Arms. I need You. Give me strength. Be my shelter. Be my refuge. Be my strength. I'm asking now, as your daughter.

I falter. I need peace.

He comes. He reassures. He carries me.