Who knew time would past by so fast?

That decisions I thought are far away as possible are in my face, angry and demanding? Who knew that growing up would be such a painful thing to face, the decisions, the tears, the rejection, the demands? Who knew paperwork, time frame, deadlines would be your nemesis in this grown up game of jumping head long into an industry with but your naive thinking and "knowledge" you thought suffices under your belt? Who knew that after all that slogging, sometimes, you are just NOT good enough to make the cut? Who knew that feeling of coming second holds out even after feeling it when you're ten years old, shuffling in your school shoes, heart beating a few beats too fast and your face burning as you smile, hoping, wishing that the first place is yours? Who knew that time changes everything, literally. That things you knew just only shy off two years ago would be so different, so unexpected and somehow at times, in the quiet of the night, or when you're plugged into your I-pod listening to tunes on a bus or walking on the street to catch a bus or when you're doing chores listening to songs playing that all of this seem to bother you relentlessly. And you wonder how it could have turn out the way it did.

Who knew positivity only gets you so far? That positivity wanes as you receive blow after blow of rejection, of disapproval, of walking into walls of uncooperative replies.

Questions. Questions.

And yes, I'd be positive still. Because I believe in Philippians 4:13.

1st of June 2010. 


It's World Milk Day today. (: 






And guess what, I'm kicking myself in the tootsie to get up and going to update more often. Gone were the days would I rush home to update my blog, to type something to share about my day. Gone were the days would I sit there meticulously editing the post over and over again prior to posting, thanks to myself being OCD. If I were to blame someone, I'd blame FACEBOOK. It takes up hours on end of my time! (Any of my spare time to be exact) Then again, it's really my fault, hahaha. 

Anyways, as I was saying. Since I last updated, there was but more than an arm length's of things that happened. I'd say it's been quite a year, 2009. From having a heartbreak, to letting go. From having a dear person touched and change my life to the extend that I'm feeling contented, satisfied, blessed. Learning and gaining experiences as a Nurse, a person and as a daughter. Learning to do things for myself. I moved to a place that I didn't like, went for my Aged Care Placement in Cummins which enriched me entirely, etc. 2009, a year filled with joy, tears, arguments, lessons learnt, experiences. 


The beginning of 2010 was uneventful, I went to work for the long weekends including Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve and New Years Day. It felt different that year, reigning in the new year after knocking off at work at 2300. There was a point when I felt really alright being alone those night, until I called home and Desmond. Guess family is and always will be the biggest part in my life (: When Desmond got back, it was nice to have him back. Sometimes, I guess I do take him for-granted. Then, it was more of a whirlwind of kicking back to going to class knowing that I'd finish soon. My family came over for a visit for a month and it was great to have them back albeit surreal at times. I guess absence not only makes the heart fonder, it makes us all stronger and strengthen ties. It was great to see Desmond and my family hitting off. I did my Acute Care Placement at the Repatriation Hospital, it was a good experience, enriching really. I made new friends and I can't be happier. Moving to the surprising side of town, LOL! And felt the pressures of having have to do things entirely (with the help of Des) calling up providers etc. Moving itself was stressful and  there was of course, that little incident with !@#$% ex-landlord, ah wells.


For now, I guess is finishing up my Diploma and get ENROLLED! Seriously, enough is enough, I just want to get it over and done with then gear up for a job hunt and hopefully get replies on the job hunt. Tying up loose ends of this chapter of my life and wonder what's next (: 


A short update I hope that appeases, Sarah C! (Thanks, you make me want to update!) 

The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?

Copy this into your NOTES. Look at the list and put an 'x' after those you have read. Tag 14 other "Book Nerds", plus me so I can see what you read! Sometimes you have to cut and paste this in parts.


1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen X
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien X
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte X
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling X
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee X
6 The Bible X
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte X
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens X

Total: 8

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott X
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien X
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger X
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

Total: 3

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll X
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame X

Total: 2

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens X
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis X
34 Emma - Jane Austen X
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis X
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hossei X
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis D Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden X
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

Total: 6

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell X
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown X
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery X
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

Total: 3

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel X
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Total: 1

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold X
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding X
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

Total: 2

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens X
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett X
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno – Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

Total: 2

80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens X
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White X
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom X
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle X
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton X

Total: 5

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl X
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Total: 1
======


33


Hah, BBC, you're wrong!

Nothing beats spring cleaning. Literally. Even spring cleaning virtual spaces such as this. (:

Salvaging and be prepared for more posts.

The title itself speaks for itself.

BLESSED 21st Birthday, Dearest. YOU'RE SO MISSED!


Many happy returns. (And yes, this post is all yours. I will update it furthur!)

I am definitely.. around, alive and yes, up and going.

Will post more soon! (Audrey, I will update!)

Changed the template, something new (doubt it will satisfy me for the next few months). Picket fences and polarids on a line, quaint and simple. Yet another thing to cross of my to-do-list!

Much love! (:

P.s Off to bubbles, dreamy body wash and GRR-irritating-make-me-swear-itch-inducing-hot water!

Yes.

They spin. They creak. They groan, but yes, they do spin, with reluctance and before you can blink, they just go on and you just can't keep up.

No, I did not get a new clock.

It is just my mind. It has been spinning alot of the late.

I always thought that a sufficient dose of stress is healthy. And perhaps, I have been justifying the long hours I picked for work, the amount of work I force myself to do, household chores I find myself to do, as necessary, vital, essential to get past the day.

Albeit so, I find myself slowing down even when I am walking down the street, running to catch my bus to work or to classes or to get home. I am not making sense, am I? Slowing down not in my stride, but in my mind.. I find myself on the bus thinking endless questions. Endless possibilities. In short, thinking about endless "what ifs". I yearn to zero into the blur vision in my mind's eye of the ever-changing future. To find the answers, to give myself a stable platform I can stand as I pluck up the courage to take a plunge down head long into unknown territories.


Sometimes, I wish I just did not know the mechanisms of things. How it works. How it will react if it were to be tested. How it will end.. Perhaps, sometimes, I just need the clockworks to just.. stop. To freeze. To let time still.

And, perhaps, just perhaps, I would emerge at peace to say "Come what may.. "

So far, I'm surviving. Let not my silence fool you.

Let's do this in bullet form. Just because my memory is faulty. No, my life is THAT mundane. So it can be summed up using bullet forms.

• I'm studying. Doing assignments. Yes, full-time nursing.

• Spent Valentine's Day with a friend.
  

• Doing breakfast kitchen duty everyday.
• Work. Work. Work. (You get my drift)
  
• Lost my purse. (Got stolen, few weeks back.)

• Took stupid photos. (That's one from the many taken)
  
• Spending most of my time in my room, reading, with music, talking to Dumber & Dumbest, on the phone with mume and him, doing assignments, think. (You know)
• Facebook-ing.
  
• Falling asleep when talking to both of the aforementioned. Yes, incoherent.
• Contemplating on things.
• Thinking
• Taking the buses that are so unreliable sometimes.
  
• Met Lalita, she's nice.
• Calling a few back home.
  

That's pretty much how it is. I'd have a better one, soon. Just so you are updated, Audrey. (: I miss you..

... of being homesick and putting on Bloo on self timer mode. The three above are among the selected few that I decided to post up, yes, I took quite a few, especially that of me and that silly "Happy Chinese New Year 2009, love teddy" sign. >< Well, just so you know, we had a "better" than usual dinner (which really isn't much difference really) on New Years Eve, and yea, that's pretty much it, and as extravagant as it gets. I spent my first day of Chinese New Year, doing breakfast and dinner kitchen duty, so that's just how it was.

Anyways, a picture just to let my loved ones know, that I'm fine, I'll be fine and to rest assured that I'm doing alright. (don't mind the lousy background, didn't realize until I uploaded it from Bloo too Gerard) Yes, I actually bothered to put on my red cheongsam top just to get myself in the mood. It's was Australia Day, on Chinese New Year though.

Happy Lunar New Year 2009 all =] Much love.

P.s Teddy misses home, still.

Sitting here, staring at this screen, thinking. Tired. Just tired of everything. Yearning to not have to shoulder responsibilities. Yearning not to have emotions so that everything does not get to oneself. Yearning to be home, all this one thinking how one has taking things for-granted. Yearning to be at the many "omg-let-me-go-home" dinners. Work is the escape, studies yet another to bury myself. Materialism, how it overtakes my purposes. How it really takes me by the hand and it's all that drives me. Time, funny how it slows and speeds up like it's nobody's business. Learning, yet never seem to learn. Yearning to run, puts foot in front of the other only to trip and fall. The effing irony of it.

The many times one thinks of the choices and decisions made. The road taken. The many "what ifs" asked. Would it have really been better? Would it be different? Would I have been happier? Is it for the better? Is it just for now, these emotions, these times?

Yet another rambling that goes nowhere and leaves me frustrated.

Carry me, because I know all I need is You.

Back.

Been work swapped. Juggling kitchen duty, Woolridges, time on the phone with loved ones. Been taxed physically, emotionally and yes, financially. The bloody internet has been down and hence the absence. Managed to get it working, so will be updating more.

Chinese New Year Eve.

Not home. Faraway. Disconnected. Lost. Confined.

Bloody friggin homesick. Freaking frustrated.

HOMESICK. (Whiny? Just for this post.)

Judge me.

Sit higher.

Bear that trident of yours. It seems like a pitchfork.

I see you, High and Mighty.

I won't bow down. I won't look.

No, wait. I should be decapitated for doing so. Forgive me. I believe my pleas fall on ears that don't understand the word - compassion and pity.

I had enough.

I won't bleed. I won't tear.

I am smiling. So there.

Tear me down.

Bring me down.

I won't be your puppet. I'd stand. Loathe me. Hate me. I'd bless you. No, not being cynical. Nor sarcastic. I am being earnest. Honest. Something that might be so foreign to those like you, and I'm sorry you can't understand that.

Missing home.. More than ever. Missing loved ones. Period. Permit me a few minutes to say this - I want to go home. There. Said it.

That'll suffice. For now.

30 days.

Wow. 30 days. Time streaked past.

In this period of time, short as it is, how much have I achieved? Looking back, it seems so long ago that I turn my back and pulled my luggage and walked that stretch of "road" to get to my departure gate, Gate 9, bawling my way there. Meeting nice people along the way, the Singaporean actors at KIA, the nice China ground assistant staff at SIA. The nice Australian next to me on the 7 hour flight.

What have I achieved?






Carried a koala. Fed kangaroos, wallabies. Saw wombats, penguins (in such a dry state), Kookabaru, Albino Peacock, Panther. Petted a baby goat, a doe, kangaroo with the joey in the pouch. Tried Ash Goat Cheese, Cream cheese, Goat milk cheese, Real cheddar (Adventurous of me eh?). Have freshly made dark chocolate melt in the mouth. Saw Adelaide at the highest point, at Mount Lofty. Strolled down the quaint rows of shops in Handorf. Took the wrong bus after being to Ikea, went to Glenelg due to that wrong bus. Had strong cold dry winds blown in my face. Shivered when the sweater was not thick enough. Walked the corridors of the University of Adelaide. Visited the Spencer Wing. Walked the State's Library and Post Office.

Research on equipments for the aged. Learned Referencing. Learned to make unoccupied and occupied beds. Clean dentures and another classmates' teeth. Had my own teeth brushed by another person. Shown how to manuover a person correctly. Taught Manual Handling. Used a lifter. Learned CPR. Learned Senior first aid. Finishing assignments before the dateline. Got used to the various accents of lecturers and classmates. Waking up for classes. Honing non-existent writing skills. Learned how to shower a person, dress them. Learned to aid them with their ADLs.

Decorated my rooms. Resorting to handwash after awhile. Took buses (Something avoided at all cost back home! Oh, the irony!) Bought things using another currency (Had to steel myself from coverting back to ringgits. Got used to the times the shops are opened (Till 1600 everyday except Friday that is till 2100. For someone who have shopping malls opened till midnight back home, and have places like Xiang Xiang, I'm so NOT used to it!) Learning how to scrimp more than ever, more than back home) Learned a NEW language! (Still in progress!) Stood on my feet for nearly 8 hours at my Orientation to my work site. Had the worse first experience at a Residential Home. Had an uplifting, rejuvenating visit to a Senior Day Center in a scenic place a tad far from the city. Learned the "tricks" (better ways, no shortcuts, mind you) of the trade while at work site Orientation. Learned how to empathize correctly, healthily.

Eating meals. (Yea, very significant for me! Three meals) Got sick on the first week. Had excruxiatiing cramps (yet again). Attending mass at another church other than St.Joseph's or St.Peter's. Had blistered foot from work, walking. Spotted wild koalas and A KANGAROO at Morialta Reservoir Park right across the road of my school yesterday when John, my English lecturer decided we take a walk there. Went to the First falls.

4 paragraphs and I'm still not done. Memories are gushing at me, filling up my head. The list goes on and on.

I'm still awestruck at how much I've learned, how much I've achieved. Learned alot about people, about different cultures, about relationships, about languages, about my career. And most definitely, about myself.

Inevitably, I miss home, so much. My mummy, my daddy, that not so little brother. My grandparents. My mamak, my papak. My COUSINS! My close friends. I miss my nephew, Dylan!! I miss them so much it literally aches physically (I kid you not) I'd admit and say that the first two weeks back, especially the nights were the hardest. I even miss the food so much. Craved so much for my favorite mini foochow burgers, popiah, kway teow, fish and alot more. I miss the places I go at times, I realize I've taken forgranted the simplest things back home like having my own bathroom. Texting whenever I want back home, call when I want. Now, phone calls, MSN, emails, and texts are what that keep me sane. Lord knows how I can stand not having have to hear my parents, my nephew.. and a few close friends! I can't bear really.

Sighs.

South Australia, Adelaide. I've come to like it. I anticipate what the future, what tomorrow may brings for me. I can't say that I'm the same girl who packed her bags and left that little town a month back, I wouldn't say so. I believe, I'm different now? In a few aspects perhaps.

I still am lost, I'm still searching.

A new chapter.


A new entry.

Turn the page, won't you? I believe, it is now, pages, not just a page.

Counting today, shy of five days, I’d be here in the driest state of the driest continent of the world for nearly a month. Yes, time has once streaked past me, as always. The days have been days of lessons, new experiences and self searching. Arriving here on a blustery Monday morning and met with a 12ºC weather and strong winds that literally blew me off balance after nearly 7 hours of flight was, well, unexpected, very unexpected if I’d say so myself. Seeing Flinders Range while thousands of feet above the ground was relief. I was actually glad knowing that I’d land not long. Before the flight, during the flight, met a few people, even actors. (Another story for another day, I believe. Hehe) The flight was emotional draining. I cried like some blubbering fool from the departure gate in KIA until I was well above the night skies. It was hard. Leaving home, leaving things behind. Funny, now when I think back on it, I find myself aching so much yet glad that I’m doing my best to look forward now. When I reached here, I went to my room, (fondly referred to know as my abode, for me the hermit) with Gerard in a backpack, two luggage and two boxes on my floor of my room strewn, it was just overwhelming. I had to sit down on the floor and take a few deep breaths, yes, I was that distraught. Now, it’s a place where I come back to and yea, practically spend most of my time in.

Days past, got used to the UNPREDICTABLE weather, the people, the mealtimes, the meals (yes, I eat and I’m missing food back home! Sighs.), lessons, sleeping times (still can’t sleep as much as I like), the place, the culture, using the currency (I do covert, rule number one, never covert all the time, else you’d be spending time counting more in your head than actually buying anything). Orientation was very educational and helpful, learned a lot of things of this place that I’ve come to like, the somewhat laidback feeling I find comfortable. I learned how to do A LOT of things I won’t be bothered to do back home, for example, BANKING (those that know me know how I can’t stand the whole hassle, but alas, I have to do it here myself, lessons, lessons, inevitable) and TAKING THE BUS! (Still not very used to the system, but hey, I’m getting there, give me time, I’ve been here for less than a month, cut me slack!) Those two are but a few things I’ve come to do myself.

Friends, yes, I’ve found a few. Quite a few I’d say. My batch, C9 is but a batch so varied in age, religion, race, culture. How so one asks? Well, we come from four different countries - China, Malaysia, The Philippines and Poland. A quick run through, Susie and Jackie are from China. Jovylyn, Romar, Laarni, Johnry, Michelle (the last three are cousins) are from the Philippines. Aga (her real name is really hard to spell and pronounce, so Aga it is) is from Poland. Last but not least, us, Malaysians, we are all Sarawakians (Yay! The Land of the Hornbills!) just that we’re all from different towns. Jeffrey is from Sibu. Suneeta is from Miri. Yieng Hung and Allan are from Sarikei. Joyce, Marilyn and I are from Kuching! And that’s just about our nationalities. (Perhaps I’d have another post just to describe them?)

Classes. What can I say? I’ve learned so much, and yes, it is not what I thought it’d be. I learned a lot about myself, my capabilities as well, and I love my classes so far. Classes are from 0900 to 1630 from Monday to Friday (except Tuesday which is until 1830, for English Class) Practical as well, I enjoy them. Tiring, but I’m amazed at how I find myself actually eager to learn. I’ve been to a few Nursing homes already, Parklyn, Aldgate Senior Day Center and today, Ananda.

So much learned in such a short span of time, that it’s mind boggling. Emotions, abundant if I’d say so myself.

A lot of things, if I were to really give a blow by blow account, that would just be too tedious for me and to be read, no?

More soon.

Teddy misses home..

And shadows fall across the sea.

One bright star in the evening sky,

Your love’s light leads me on my way.

There’s a dream that will not sleep,

A burning hope that will not die,

So, I must go now, with the wind,

And leave you waiting on the tide.

Time to fly, time to touch the sky,

One voice alone, a haunting cry.

One song, one star burning bright,

May it carry me through darkest night.

Rain comes over the gray hills,

And on the air, a soft goodbye,

Hear the song that I sing to you,

When the time has come to fly,

When I leave and take the wind,

And find the land that faith will bring,

The brightest start in the evening sky,

Is yours to find for me..

(Celtic Women - The Soft Goodbye)

*****

Celtic Women.

Celtic Women have been on replay for the whole few hours. Rain, you've just make me choke. I don't know why. The past, stop haunting me. I can't stand you. Leave me be. I want to see you, my future. You've never seem so bleak. Okay. Let's shove me a sign that say MCB, You're EMO. Then, take a photo of me in a supposed emo pose. Happy? Sighs. That was uncalled for. Even in a post, I'm so bloody rude. Ah wells. Don't tell me it's alright, I apologise.


It's still raining. Come, soothe me as you always have. I need you more than ever, rain. Assure me. You've promised. May it be. It gets hard I guess once the hours slip past you. One tries very hard. She puts on her sunny deposition and wear it like a cloak. She smiles until it sticks, bright, glaring and fake. Plastic.

I'm trying to prep myself. Updatest later on the day, or tomorrow, the latest. Promise. Mundanity, I need that.

Come, serenade me, you who promises me Everlasting Rest. Thank you for Celtic Women. Sounds weird, but they've been uplifting. Carry me tonight. Soothe my sleep. I can't stand the dreams. Only You know how I feel..

That brings me closer to that day..
(I don't count. I am reminded daily though and that hurts, literally. I kid you not.)

Where I learned what being an "adult" includes. The responsibilities.

Where I learned that it hurts to be told at the last minute about certain things.

Where I learned how much I am going to miss the little things here.

Where I learned that I can be who I am once I find her.

Where I learned that my past hurts me more than I want to admit.

Where I learned that I get affected by the smallest thing like a kitten jumping in front of me or a little child smiling from the next table gives me the warm feeling within that reassures that life, indeed is beautiful.

Where I learned how much I want to be listened to..

Where I spent just that another day with those I love as much as I can, to the fullest.

Where just a call from someone makes me smile and forget the ache.

Where I just want to turn back time so much.

Gastric. Headache.

Gerard needs his rest. I'd leave this be for now..

Cock that gun.

Hear the click.

Give me strength that I say I don't need.

Clear my thoughts.

I need to breathe.

Give me peace when I go weak.

I don't need to understand.

Just teach me to be meek.

Give me the patience that I just need.


Jovina was here, troubled and chugging away fast on the express train of her thoughts. She needs a little breather from all of this. Perhaps, it's the cramps that is murderous or the constant headache that plagues her day or the gastric that seems so normal to have. Perhaps blaming it on her anatomy shrugs off the niggling thoughts in her head and makes this emotional roller coaster sound more rational than it is. She just needs stoicism and just that little ounce more of faith. And perhaps, just more sleep. She is playing that song "Hungry" over and over again. "You Were There" comes second on her most played list. She wants a kitten.. Daddy's fishes in the aquarium are so placid that sometimes, she wishes she were a fish.. She needs not the bloody nic fixes, but she just wants so. Her blades are so cold, they seem to caress her so. She wants her Lindt chocolates, but alas, it has long been consumed by someone she calls little brother. Time, you sprint right past, she grasped so hard and try to catch you, but you,sly bugger, slipped her once more. She needs to understand herself perhaps and learn that sometimes, it's all about faith. Ah, fuck you thoughts. She resents her cussing, but there she goes again. And that reminds her of The Cranberries song. She rambles on and starts to tsk. Perhaps it's best, she tucks Gerard in. Too early in the morning, sleep where are you? She needs that little calm just a little bit more than she thinks. Perhaps a little wine would do the trick. Does she need it? Maybe so. Thinking cap, she says she wants to take you off and tuck you away, and perhaps put you back on another day. Say, maybe on that 7 hour flight across the sea. You are getting frayed, thinking cap. Best you're taken off and not worn. It's time you're put away. No more thoughts, she says. Sleep, she misses you so. Grandma, she needs your away-with-you-worries twirls and that comforting Teochew accented murmurs. Daddy above, she needs Your Perfect Strength, she needs You to be her refuge.. Mushu, she needs you silly laughs and thanks you so from the bottom of her heart for being there. Brain, she needs your rants and misses your yells, your simple thoughtfulness, your deep voice and that laugh. Dearest Pooky carer, she needs you to be alright and aches to know you haven't been well of the late. Baby, she needs your honesty and knows you're asleep as of now, she appreciates all the understanding you've given..

Sometimes, it's best one stays silent .. and listen, to others at times, to oneself. And perhaps, that one clear voice within speaks of the truth. No sugar coated lies, no fabricated truths. Just, the simple, well known truth.. that has always been there.

Indeed.

Too much to say.

Days have been mundane. Not much to highlight. Buying stationary. Buying working flats. Sleeping in the early morning and waking up not satisfied with sleep. Dreams that are draining me. Going to my aunt's place to spend time with my cousin and my aunt did facial for me, relaxing. Failing ridiculously at my craft project. Spending time with those I care for. Watching The Mummy Three with Jude and him, hahaha, ridiculous. Had my cold feet lovingly massaged. Having too much coke at night. (Yea, Jude, best you ignore my wants for having Pepsi) Rants at my dining table with Jude. Missing Sheryl. Watching movies at night with Gerard when sleep didn't come. Getting those mini foochow burgers I crave and love so much. Sent my granduncle off at the airport with my family and my little man. Which was hilarious because my little man wanted to follow my granduncle to the departure gate. Carried him and walked with Athena to the area where one can see the planes land and depart to distract him. Was struggling to carry him, yes, he is light, but it's like carrying something on you that squirms and turns while walking, tiring, okay? So much for my smart idea to do so. My arms sore from doing that. Anyways..

Went to WCO yesterday. Different this time. Haven't been to YG or WCO in a long time, four weeks I've been told. Time has been sprinting past me. This WCO is going to stay in my head for a really long time. I remember trying so hard to feel something. Peace perhaps? I know I kept saying He is my Strength, my Peace, my Calm. Too much emotions that I am numb, I can't feel. No expression of how I feel. No tears, nothing. Smile and answer questions when asked. That's what I did from the beginning of the night till the end, he then told me that I wasn't really smiling much. I don't know. Too much on my mind. Had headaches. Jude sent me back after his work, I had Big Gulp (again). And I had my nic fix on the way back. Two. When I told myself never to have another. Long night. Tried watching DVDs but me thinks Gerard disapproves, so I stared at the ceiling yet again.

Supposed to go out with Athena this morning at Starbucks before she leaves on Sunday, which is tomorrow, but she cancelled the date later during the night as I was on my way home after WCO. Upset. Then again, what can I do? I did spend time with her on Wednesday night at Isabella's and McD's. Found out things from her that well, hurts. Reminder to self - that's life. So shut it. Shut it.

Didn't go out with my parents. Didn't spend time with Adeline, my cousin at grandparents' as mum planned. Just watched rain at my window and doing my chores. Didn't do anything productive. Just this numbness that follow me. My little man, Baby Dylan came along in the afternoon. Such a little rascal. Apparently, my brother gave him this ink stamp that has a cutesy face on it. That little rascal who was supposed to be taking his nap next to daddy, took off the cover and started to stamp it all around his limbs. Talk about being artistic at a young age. In the end, daddy was tsking him all the way and trying to clean him. Hilarious as he looked as though someone used permanent blue eye liner on him, lol! Brought him back next door, his grandma who is my aunt stays there, so yea. That little rascal..

The above was written before I went out earlier in the evening. Got back around 2230 from dinner with family, the extended one, mum's side. Dinner is yet another necessity for most Chinese families. Conversations ranges from politics, to my studies, to the place where I'm going, to Audrey's studies, to religion.. And sometimes, I just have this awkward feeling when they have a go at my plans and what not. Shrug it off. As I always do. Full course Chinese dinner. So full. And everyone kept commenting on how skinny I looked since the last dinner, which was a drag. Because, hello, I'm NOT SKINNY!!! Jude came by to pass me my purse, I left it in his car. (Yes, super absentminded of me) got me a chocolate sundae and Big Gulp, (again!) We went out at 2300 to get some munchies, because I want Jude to eat. (No, I'm not thinking of fattening you, you skinny dude, just want to see you eat) Felt kind of uncomfortable buying the munchies in my dress. Ranted at my dining table again.. Stole a few songs from his Gina. Then, he went back while ago as I nagged (those of you who know how much I nag, hehe), and I'm now.. here, still in the dress I wore for dinner, typing away. (I know I'm lazy)

Might try to sleep. I think I should watch Narnia again. Mr. Tumnus! Parents want to head out earlier later on in the day. Grocery shopping and buying some other things that are not bought yet. Don't know how to express myself of the late. Words, you have fail me again. Or maybe, I'm using this as an excuse. I'm trying now.

But I promise, no matter what, I'm smiling..