Indeed.

Too much to say.

Days have been mundane. Not much to highlight. Buying stationary. Buying working flats. Sleeping in the early morning and waking up not satisfied with sleep. Dreams that are draining me. Going to my aunt's place to spend time with my cousin and my aunt did facial for me, relaxing. Failing ridiculously at my craft project. Spending time with those I care for. Watching The Mummy Three with Jude and him, hahaha, ridiculous. Had my cold feet lovingly massaged. Having too much coke at night. (Yea, Jude, best you ignore my wants for having Pepsi) Rants at my dining table with Jude. Missing Sheryl. Watching movies at night with Gerard when sleep didn't come. Getting those mini foochow burgers I crave and love so much. Sent my granduncle off at the airport with my family and my little man. Which was hilarious because my little man wanted to follow my granduncle to the departure gate. Carried him and walked with Athena to the area where one can see the planes land and depart to distract him. Was struggling to carry him, yes, he is light, but it's like carrying something on you that squirms and turns while walking, tiring, okay? So much for my smart idea to do so. My arms sore from doing that. Anyways..

Went to WCO yesterday. Different this time. Haven't been to YG or WCO in a long time, four weeks I've been told. Time has been sprinting past me. This WCO is going to stay in my head for a really long time. I remember trying so hard to feel something. Peace perhaps? I know I kept saying He is my Strength, my Peace, my Calm. Too much emotions that I am numb, I can't feel. No expression of how I feel. No tears, nothing. Smile and answer questions when asked. That's what I did from the beginning of the night till the end, he then told me that I wasn't really smiling much. I don't know. Too much on my mind. Had headaches. Jude sent me back after his work, I had Big Gulp (again). And I had my nic fix on the way back. Two. When I told myself never to have another. Long night. Tried watching DVDs but me thinks Gerard disapproves, so I stared at the ceiling yet again.

Supposed to go out with Athena this morning at Starbucks before she leaves on Sunday, which is tomorrow, but she cancelled the date later during the night as I was on my way home after WCO. Upset. Then again, what can I do? I did spend time with her on Wednesday night at Isabella's and McD's. Found out things from her that well, hurts. Reminder to self - that's life. So shut it. Shut it.

Didn't go out with my parents. Didn't spend time with Adeline, my cousin at grandparents' as mum planned. Just watched rain at my window and doing my chores. Didn't do anything productive. Just this numbness that follow me. My little man, Baby Dylan came along in the afternoon. Such a little rascal. Apparently, my brother gave him this ink stamp that has a cutesy face on it. That little rascal who was supposed to be taking his nap next to daddy, took off the cover and started to stamp it all around his limbs. Talk about being artistic at a young age. In the end, daddy was tsking him all the way and trying to clean him. Hilarious as he looked as though someone used permanent blue eye liner on him, lol! Brought him back next door, his grandma who is my aunt stays there, so yea. That little rascal..

The above was written before I went out earlier in the evening. Got back around 2230 from dinner with family, the extended one, mum's side. Dinner is yet another necessity for most Chinese families. Conversations ranges from politics, to my studies, to the place where I'm going, to Audrey's studies, to religion.. And sometimes, I just have this awkward feeling when they have a go at my plans and what not. Shrug it off. As I always do. Full course Chinese dinner. So full. And everyone kept commenting on how skinny I looked since the last dinner, which was a drag. Because, hello, I'm NOT SKINNY!!! Jude came by to pass me my purse, I left it in his car. (Yes, super absentminded of me) got me a chocolate sundae and Big Gulp, (again!) We went out at 2300 to get some munchies, because I want Jude to eat. (No, I'm not thinking of fattening you, you skinny dude, just want to see you eat) Felt kind of uncomfortable buying the munchies in my dress. Ranted at my dining table again.. Stole a few songs from his Gina. Then, he went back while ago as I nagged (those of you who know how much I nag, hehe), and I'm now.. here, still in the dress I wore for dinner, typing away. (I know I'm lazy)

Might try to sleep. I think I should watch Narnia again. Mr. Tumnus! Parents want to head out earlier later on in the day. Grocery shopping and buying some other things that are not bought yet. Don't know how to express myself of the late. Words, you have fail me again. Or maybe, I'm using this as an excuse. I'm trying now.

But I promise, no matter what, I'm smiling..

OMG!!!!!!!



I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! I WANT!

*resumes calm cool collected I-don't-care composure*

That, people, is the book J.K Rowling penned! The title is.. *brace yourselves* "The Tales of Beedle the Bard". I know, great marketing product. She has millions already. I'm a hopeless fan of her books. So there. I want!!! Sadly, I don't think it's here. I know it's out in the U.S already. For those who don't know, it's a book she mentioned in her last installment of the Harry Potter books, which is Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows. That book is like children books, something like fairytales and what not.

This is a WANT. Not a need. Anyways, I WANT!!!

The vegesaurus wants to go SHOPPING!! SHOES!

Blink blink blink. Click click.

Typing in the dark.

Yesterday. Dilly-dally-ed the day. Chores. Text Sheryl and him. Gastric. Headache.
And of course, in the afternoon. Waited for Jude for hours. When we finally headed out, we were just as indecisive. Thanks Jude. I needed the company. And the addictive rabbit milk chewy sweets. Thank you for the computer tips, lol! Thank you for actually eating! For bringing me to mass. For supper and being so relenting. For letting me pester you to talk. For letting me talk your ears off and tease you beyond anything. And just for being you. Thank you. =]

Early morning. *smiles* I needed the reassurance. I needed the affirmation. I needed the confirmation. I needed the truth albeit I can't deny it hurts badly to know. I needed to know how you feel. I needed the time. I needed the touch. I needed to give myself this picture to match the one I believe in. I needed to be selfish for once and keep you up again even though I'm the one with insomnia. I needed to hear you tell me things that I know and don't know about. I needed to just hear it from you even I'd rather talk to you in person. Screw technology, I like it, but I don't like it. I needed to be.. in your words - manja. I needed to just be insufferable and piss you off. I just.. need to. I need to feel the ache more now, because that is much of what I have. I don't understand myself either. I was affirmed but it hurts. I can't cry. So fuck tears. Bittersweet. Enough said.

Slept for a few hours. Fuck them dreams. I'm tired emotionally of them. So FUCK it. I'm tired that they can actually monopolize things. I'm tired that they can actually dominate my emotions. I woke up. Had enough. Chores. Hurl what I ate, what's new? Gastric. Checked mail. Keyed in TRN number, visa approved. *smiles* Then, errands with mummy. From running up the stairs of the department just because I don't want lose my number and holding up my jeans to getting bloody hostile attitudes from ex-masters and deans. Got my I.C. And currently, still an illegal high school dropout. They finally let me fill in the forms for the leaving procedure. It annoyed mummy because she had to stand there and was given those looks. Such a hassle. One department from another. Unnecessary much? Ah wells. Leaving cert will be taken soon, hopefully. Dark clouds. Anticipation. Called Audrey, was worried about her. That gila girl. Was laughing when I called her. Made me worried thinking she was in shock, while in fact, she is GLAD to come home and have a week break. Funny how He works. Hope to spend time with her. Miss that silly cousin. Went about finding this place to eat, just because mum thinks I'm too skinny, right. *sorry, I can't help rolling my eyes* Ended at Jade Pot, again, was there yesterday with Jude. Got home. Then, I fell asleep on my bed as it rained. Dreams again. I woke up. Mummy came into my room.. she bent down and look at me, eye level. She said I look like a sad kitten on my bed. Curled up and eyes shiny. Didn't have dinner. Went out after watching this drama series with mummy. Shops were closing. But there were nice IT technicians who smiled and were helpful. Bless your souls. So managed to see the Dell Inspron 1420, vibrant colors. Love it. We'd scout tomorrow, daddy says. Going shopping tomorrow, mummy and me. I need more time. I just want some more time, damn it. I miss Sheryl..

Shoot me. I want to cry.

While he wishes he, could escape this.
It all seems so contagious,
Not to be yourself and faceless..
In a song that has no soul.

How I feel?

Tired. Lethargic. Slept from the early morning until the late afternoon today. Fever came back. Delirious.

Saturday. Spent time with Melissa. She invited me to dinner. I, now, miss her. Her family was as usual, lol! Her brothers. Lol!! She's infectious with her bubbly exterior, as she always does. Thanks to Sheryl and him for spending time with her as well. Feelings aside, it was just really pleasant. There was the blackout throughout the city. It was beautiful albeit a bit chaotic. The stars were beautiful..

Sunday, was spent getting things. Got my external hard disk. And waiting for my laptop to be shipped here soon. Dell Vostro 1300. Might type the specs here soon? Got my luggage. It looks big, but I doubt it'd be enough. Spent time with Sheryl and him. *smiles* Picked Anne up at the airport as well. Dreams.

Yesterday, did my urine test, didn't do it last Friday, due to certain reasons. Believe my medical forms are being courier over right now as I type. So crossing fingers about my visa being approved asap. Mum took time off to bring me to Dr. Kho's. She brought me to Causeway for dim sum, again. Then, I did chores. had Sheryl came by and went to get certain things for a certain project. *smiles* Watched her had lunch. And now, I'm craving foochow burgers again, and that fish pork siew mai. DIE! Anyways, she dropped by after work again, to talk. Thank Him for times as such. Listening to her talk with me on the floor with my chow chow. Comfort. Hope I was much comfort to her though.

Last night. Those dreams again. And dreams of my own. I didn't like them. Woke up with my pillow wet. At least, I had my chow chow. Was trying so hard not to call him and her. The details still vivid in mind. Managed to sleep again, but then, had another. Which was worse. It hurt, literally. So much for that. It darken the day. But I was shrugging things off. Or I tried.

Now. I'm numb.

I miss Brain.

How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the sand on the shore.
But every time You've taken me back,
And now, I pray You do it once more.

Please take from me my life,
When I don't have the strength
To give it to You.

And how many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the stars in the sky.
But every time, You've taken me back,
And now, I pray You do it tonight..

Please.
TAKE FROM ME MY LIFE.
Guide me. HOLD ME.
I don't have the strength to give my life to You.
I don't have the strength to do what You've planned.
I don't have the strength to leave.
I don't have the strength to bear my cramps.
I don't have the strength to put up with pain physically, emotionally.
I don't have the strength to just leave it in Your hands.
I really can't.
I need Your Love, I want to trust You.

Sick. Again.

Cramps. AGAIN.

FEVER. Again.

Nausea. Again.

I need sleep. Again.

Dreams, morning, afternoon, night. Again.

Met the physician. Again.

Didn't go to work. Again.

Forgot my 3hour dosage, again.

I don't want to go to work. YET AGAIN.

Can't get through the application. AGAIN!!!!

Frustrated. Again.


I miss brain. AGAIN. Heard from him yesterday. *smiles*

I miss him.. so tired of how things are.

I miss sheryl. Again.

Missing people. Again.

(Someone I love dearly says this word again so cutely, I just remembered. Now, I smile)


Again. Again. Again. Again. Funny how repetition can make that word don't seem like itself..

What ifs.

Too many of them.

Give me a box.

I want to lock them and hurl them to the sea.

Maybe.. they will leave me alone.

Being rational would be then alien.

Idealism, I missed you.

Where's my Marshmallow Land?

Do You Want to be Healed?

‏It seems like such a ridiculous question. Of course, I want to be healed! But, then, I knew, in the way you know, what He meant.

Was I willing to do the hard work of facing painful situations, of uncovering bitterness and admitting to deep, resentful anger? Was I willing to give up my stubborn excuses that allowed me to stay the same, somehow seeing my weakness and vulnerabilities.

Was I willing to give up control, let God be God, and admit that I can’t, but he can – or would I rather insist that I can, even though I can’t, holding myself in a cycle of helplessness and hopelessness?

By the pool at Sheep Gate, Jesus asked an invalid of 38 years: “Do you want to be healed?” and his question swept through the man, swept through 2,000 years, and swept into the shadows of my soul.

“Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me …”

But there stood the Great Healer holding out help, acutely aware that we can’t, but God can, knowing this to be true because he was walking toward the only way to recreate us whole and healthy. He was on the road to Calvary.

The question lingers for you: Do you really want to be healed?

(Note: The story that inspired this in John 5:1-9.)


Have I been allowing Him to? It seems like I haven't. I keep saying He does nothing. That I can't feel Him in my life lately with so much spinning out of control. No, just, spinning out of MY control. Twisting into knots that I can't undo. Until they get undone somehow and spin off.

Let me ask myself again.

Do I really want to be heal? Would I let myself be healed? Same question.