Spent at work.

Roller coasters rides inside.

Disappointments.

Dreams.

Frustrations.

Simplest delights of life.

Cherished moments spent with loved ones.

Doubts.

YGs and WCOs.

Sundaes.

Texts.

New gadget bought.

Used up first pay.

Amazing Grace. YFDO.

Now. So much to say. Will do so in time. This girl was here. Disoriented.

Murderous.

Back pain and cramps hand in hand.

Back pain that literally hurts so badly. Long day. Eventhough work is now half day, still tired after nearly 4 hours of work. His way of assuring me how patient I can be. Not testing my patience, just assuring me that way. I believe. Work is alright. Kids always have a way to make me smile as feisty or naughty they can be. So cute when they get all sorry (I believe they know they have such powers) and all sweet looking that I just sigh. Yes, they keep going on and on calling - MS JO.. Kids. *smiles* Workplace is nice. But, I'm trying to get used to things.. So yea.

Just got back from YG. S.S Empowered, Worship. *smiles* Great as usual. Led by Him. Showered with blessings. Attended mass before I attended YG. It rained, soothed. *smiles* Chu shared, Karen shared.. Assurance. (Seems like a word I used alot lately) Sheryl, thank you so very much, for just being you, for the hand on my lap, the squeeze when you held my fingers. I can't thank you more but I thank Him so much for you. Dearest, thanks.. for the prayers, I know you care, that suffices really. Tiffy as usual was very sweet to care. Ju's back from Aus, that girl, so cute. Haven't seen her in ages. Another night where I get questions lined up. Thinking cap where art thou? Lots of questions in my head now. Getting a headache. Embarrassed with myself actually. Suddenly, halfway through, just overwhelmed. And my back hurt so badly. I loathe my effing mocking tears. Vulnerability.

Physical pain, I can bear. I can put up with it. Nothing new. But this ache as days pass.. I can't really bear it. The days are alright. But come night.. I can't hold up just as well. The dreams. The intense emotions. The questions. The doubts. The pain. (Ah, eff it if anyone thinks I'm losing my marbles and getting emo just for the heck of it. It's not a freaking fad okay? It's human. It's how we are. So eff. We all have feelings. Don't stereotype, thank you.) It gets so suffocating at times. When I get up, (reluctantly mostly) I'd feel devoid of feelings that are positive. There is just this gaping black void. The emotions from dreams not of mine lingers. It drains.. It sometimes, takes control of me. That's how weak I am, mentally, spiritually.

When I jolted up early this morning today, the wee hours as usual from one of those dreams,(one time too many during my sleep), drenched with sweat, gripped with fear, anger, hurt, sorrow. And the worst one, HATE. Hate that I don't understand. Hate that was coursing through my veins that didn't belong to me. My pillow, wet with tears that were shed not on my own accord. My limbs cold but shaking as if they really were part of those whose lives I was living in those moments during the dreams.. I was disoriented. I was scared. I was pleading on Him to give me a sign. I sat up. While I did so, I knocked my bible off my bed. I reached down and held it in my hands. It was warm. Flipped it open.. and reassurance He gives. I was not alone.. I never am. Tears came, happy ones. Peace envelopes. Here's what He showed me..


Give me strength.. They say, ask and you shall receive. I'm asking. Give me strength. I need sleep. I need to understand. If you will it, let me understand. I need You so. Give me strength. Help me let go and just let you guide me. Ease this pain, the physical one, and especially the ache in my heart I feel so much lately. Take care of them, those I love so very much, those I just can't bear to leave, please. I can't just do this. Give me the strength to let go. To trust you. To leave them in Your Loving Arms. I need You. Give me strength. Be my shelter. Be my refuge. Be my strength. I'm asking now, as your daughter.

I falter. I need peace.

He comes. He reassures. He carries me.

I woke up early.


I was putting up with the cramps.


I got my gadgets back.


I went to Dr. Chung, family physician.


I had breakfast with mummy. At Auntie's. Smoothies.


I heard from Sam..


I managed to get "rest", lying down, earphones in.


I got home, showered, chores, dinner.

I watched Into the Blue.


I checked my mail and now here once more.

Cramps.

I'm craving chocolate. Gah!

Just want to curl up in bed. Missing him. Missing Sheryl. Missing Brain.. Brain's leaving tomorrow.. =( Will be at work.. Can't send him off.. Pain. I want to be a fairy. Need hugs. Can't sleep. I neeeed SLEEP. Abba daddy, carry me..

If I had no more time,
No more time left to be here.
Would you cherish what we have?
Cause I'm everything that you were looking for.

If I couldn't feel your touch,
And no longer were you with me.
I'll be wishing you were here,
To be everything that I've been looking for.
I don't want to forget the present is a gift.
And I don't want to take for granted the time you may have here with me.
Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed, so

Everytime you hold me,
Hold me like this is the last time.
Everytime you kiss me,
Kiss me like you'll never see me again.
Everytime you touch me,
Touch me like this is the last time.
Promise that you'll love me,
Love me like you'll never see me again.

How many really know what love is?
Now you never will.
Do you know until you lose it?
That it's everything that we are looking for.
When I wake up in the morning,
With you beside me. I'm so thankful that I found,
Everything that I've been looking for.

I don't want to forget the present is a gift.
And I don't want to take for granted the time you may have here with me.
Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed, so
Everytime you hold me,
Hold me like this is the last time.
Everytime you kiss me,
Kiss me like you'll never see me again.
Everytime you touch me,
Touch me like this is the last time.
Promise that you'll love me.

Love me like you'll never see me again..

Been listening to this over and over and over again. She lulls me to this melancholy state that it is actually alright to sleep.. Don't get myself at the moment. Nevermind. *proceeds to listen to it and closes eyes..*

5th.

Ben's wedding. (Benedicta. Sam's sister) Went for her wedding mass.. It was beautiful. Archbishop was different during his homily, very personal, which was something new. Sat with Sheryl and Sister Clement. Sat there thinking how I actually came to really love the whole atmosphere the church oozes. Couldn't shared brunch with Sheryl. Ended up at Causeway Hong Kong Restaurant for dim sum. (Went there for lunch with Adrian and my mamak and mum before he left for Perth on the 4th) Went Boulevard to scout for reasonable priced clothes (sighs), saw the cutest flats in Converse (then again, it's so costly! Going to scout more). Bought a VOIR top, so comfy, but a tad big though it's the smallest size. (Oh, it's green! *smiles*) Picked brother from tuition, had the avocado banana smoothie I want soo much at Auntie's. Bought my slacks at Tony's Mum's shop for a VERY LOW PRICE!! (they are superbly comfy!!) Got home and just clear my room which is already MESSY again. Went for mass with Sheryl. A night definitely of indecisive-ness OVERDOSE and EMO-overload. Nevertheless, it was.. memorable. (I miss her..)

Sunday was spent very lazily. Mass, dinner and what not. Night, need I say more about you? Three stars that were aligned in a straight line right next to the moon, gorgeous. Stars and more stars in the velvet skies..

7th
Happy Birthday, my daddy! I was rushing for my first day at work, didn't see him till the evening. =( A looong day at work, humbling experience. Very tired. Rushed like a mad person to get to daily mass. Picked Fr.Ramos on the way. Had dinner at Heritage with Fr.Jo (whose birthday was on Sunday), Fr.Ramos, Sister Clement and my family. As any chinese dinner, was very full, though I was said to eat like a bird. (Silly metaphor) Quite a dinner, those two priests super humorous. Fr.Ramos and his love for Guiness Stout (he can't get it in the Philipines) Stayed at my place for awhile and watched Prince of Egypt. Couldn't sleep.. long night.

Much happened. I just need to sort them.

SAM'S BACK!!



Finally, spent time with him yesterday. Super busy that guy. Ed came along. The usual, bing. Lol, and random places. Need I say more? Well, he's leaving next week, Monday to be exact. Ah wells. What a night, what a morning. Unexpected twists, won a bet, dumb blonde jokes,weak bladders (hahahaha), funny words like vi-stg-stg! (double lmao!), someone. *smiles*

Sheryl sent custard over yesterday, it was at my fence. Heh! Thank you so much! Really sweet of her to do so.

Well, sunday, 29th June. Yet another night to just imprint and sear in. Enough said. It was one of those days where I just want to cock a gun to my head, load the catridge and just squeeze the trigger. Ah wells. Monday, 30th of June. Spent time with Sheryl, lunch! So nice to just spend time actually eating and what not. And yes, I do eat. Ice-cream and foochow burgers. Now I crave them. Ugh!

Went to talk to Uncle Michael on Monday (Thanks for correcting me,sheryl). It's really just, a relief. I know, I've been so adamant about going to see him. But when I did, I'm really glad I decided to. Shed light on things I was just confused about and what not. Thank God for being the Humourous Father you are! Sheryl came over when I got back from Uncle's house. Mango Chilled Cheese Cake and just kitchen table talk. I'm SO contented.

Ah, how can I forget? 1st July. Warm sun. Sunshine. Few minutes. Mango Chilled Cheese Cake (again). Breeze. Sensations. See how speechless life and blessings render me?

This is what happens when I just can't sit down and think.